In a world, where gender is fluid, questioned and stereotyped, we still, thousands of years later still find ourselves fighting against the oppressive mentalities that have plagued our generation for too many years. Neither sex can win the battle of a perfect man or woman. Perfection cannot be achieved. People are told to be themselves and do what makes them happy, but are then given lists of dos and donts of how we should and shouldn’t act as men and women. And we’ve really got to stop taking it sitting down.
Sexism needs to stop. It shouldn’t be accepted. It shouldn’t be tolerated. It should become extinct.
So we thought that we would list out some of the main double standards that still exist in 2022, and how we can identify and break them.
Let’s start with the ladies first (or is that also a sexist phrase? Food for thought…)
Women often can’t win the makeup-wearing contest. You wear too much, you’re told you look fake/plastic. You wear too little, you’re told you look tired.
Women can’t win the fashion contest either. Wear loose clothes that make you feel comfortable, you get called out for being a ‘tomboy’ or ‘dressing like a boy’ and that men won’t want you. Wear tight clothes, and you get blamed if a man assaults you. You get accused of showing too much skin.
If you cry a lot, you get called ‘too sensitive. If you don't cry at all, you get called ‘too cold’.
If you want kids but do not have them, you get called a ‘lonely spinster’, if you have kids, you’re constantly told how to parent them. If you don’t want kids, your femininity gets attacked.
If you’re loud, you’re controlling and dominant. If you’re too soft, you become a doormat.
If you’re sexually active, you’re called ‘loose’ or ‘slutty’
There will never be a good enough weight that will please society. If you’re thin, you’re called ‘too thin’ and ‘you need to eat something’, if you’re a little heavier you’re called ‘chubby’ and asked to lose a few pounds.
Women are expected to do the housework, cook and clean, whereas men get away with doing little to nothing at times. This is especially true in Asian households.
The gender pay gap - need I say more? I don’t even know why this is a thing.
Childcare responsibilities still widely fall on women - what happened to equal parenting?
So often women talk about their own double standards though, and we’re aware to some degree of them.. But sometimes we don't realise how hard it can actually be for men. So let's dive into some of those double standards.
What are some of the double standards men face?
An attractive man’s flirtation is often returned with pleasure, a less attractive man’s flirtation is often deemed inappropriate.
Men are deemed as weak or girly for showing their emotions.
If a woman sexually harasses a guy, its deemed ‘amusing’ and not rapey - of course things are now changing and evolving since celebrities have come forward with male versions of #MeToo, but we’re still not there yet.
Women don’t get blamed for dumping a man; when a man dumps a woman, he’s ‘afraid of commitment.’ When a woman leaves a relationship she is praised for pursuing her needs, but when a man leaves a relationship he is criticized for not being able to commit.
A man hitting a woman is considered abusive, but a woman displaying any form of violence, whether its a small slap or a punch in the face, is not called abuse. Even worse, women are praised for hitting men and standing up for themselves sometimes. Also, women can beat up men all they want, but if a man hits back, they’re monsters.
Women who make accusations of sexual harrasment are automatically believed, although sometimes they could be lying or exaggerating. Exhibit A: Matthew Morrison, former Glee star alleges that he did not harass his co-star, he simply sent one text to the contestant. Exhibit B: Amber Heard . . . enough said..
Stay-at-home dads are lazy losers; stay-at-home moms are empowered heroes. This is a big one that I have been infuriated by lately. How is it that men are deemed lazy, and their masculinity is attacked by choosing to stay at home with the kids, whereas when a woman becomes a SAHM she’s called a hero? Who decides these ridiculous societal rules? A dad could be doing most if not all things a stay-at-home-mother would do, how come the only jobs that classify him as a hero is when he’s rescuing people?
Guys are still expected to be the breadwinner.
Women are allowed to reject guys based on their looks without being seen as ‘shallow.’ Another infuriating double standard for me, men are called shallow for rejecting a girl based on her looks. Have you ever heard of this thing called ‘attraction’? It needs to be there if you’re to be in a relationship with someone, and no matter how good looking or bad looking the person actually is, if you are not attracted to them, it cannot work. What, pray tell, is shallow about that? The way you express your lack of attraction is what should define shallowness, and not your physical preferences.
There’s no demand for ‘plus size’ male models. Hi women, let's talk for a second. You think you’re the only sex struggling with double standards around your appearance? Wake up. Men have it extremely hard too. They’re expecting to be tall, they’re expecting to have big “packages” (if you know what i mean), they’re expected to be buff, they’re expected to have a six pack, they’re expected to be hairy but not too hairy, they’re expected to have beards to represent their adulthood and masculinity. Yes, men face sexism for their appearance - it just isn’t highlighted as much.
But although this list provides quite a few of the common ones that we experience till date, they cannot cover all the double standards, micro gender-aggressions, or all instances of sexism. Certainly not in one article or one conversation. Unfortunately, our generation is more complex than that.
So how do we identify double standards? Here are some questions to ask:
Are two (or more) things being treated differently?
If there is a different treatment, is there a valid reason for it?
A double standard occurs when there is unequal treatment that’s not properly justified. This is important, because it means that unequal treatment of two or more things isn’t always a double standard, and can sometimes be reasonable. For instance, the example I gave before about how women are given more household responsibilities, sometimes we as women can misinterpret that as a double standard, but maybe the parent sees that a woman has more free time and is more available to take on more than a guy. That has certainly been the case in my home.
I was recently in a meeting with a man who was extremely rude and disrespectful to me, not respecting my value or status at my company simply because I was a junior employee. He proceeded to walk out of the meeting and write a lengthy complaint to the management about me - his reasons? ‘She was being rude and unprofessional’ but what I was actually doing was negotiating, being firm and not tolerating the man’s nonsense and he just could not stand that he was getting that from a young woman.
The man’s ego can sometimes be fragile.
So the question becomes, what are we supposed to be? We’re supposed to understand that what inherently makes us feminine or masculine is defined only by us. For those of us who are Christians, luckily the Bible lays it out for us. See Proverbs 14:1 or Proverbs 31:30 on femininity and 1 Cor. 16:13–14 on masculinity.
So how should we respond?
Ask the person you believe is issuing a double standard to explain their reasoning. Sometimes what you believe to be a double standard could actually just have a perfectly logical explanation, that doesn’t have anything to do with gender. Sometimes double standards are unintentional, so asking the question can prove your concern or disprove it. And if unintentional, you can point out the flaws in their rationale but if it is intentional, you can challenge their ways of thinking; they might have been brainwashed by media or culture, so don’t always assume malicious intentions behind the double standards.
Recognize the double standards that are holding us back. Recognizing the problem in the first place can help stop it.
Focus on connection, not approval. Ask yourself, how much effort you are wasting constantly looking for external approval or validation. Learn how to distinguish the opinions you care about from those you don’t. Your close community? Yes. Chad from accounting? No.
Change the narrative. Call out the double standards, foster communities and workplaces that celebrate gender equality, our goal isn’t to empower one sex over the other, its to equalize the standards, level the playing field and diversify the opportunities.
You do you. If you’re a man that cries, go ahead and cry, I guarantee you that many women like a man who’s in touch with their emotions. Real women aren’t afraid of softer traits in a man. If you’re a woman that enjoys wearing oversized shirts and sneakers, wear it. You’re beautiful regardless of your fashion sense. Whatever makes you feel empowered, secure and confident - do that. Its not a likeability contest. Screw the double standards.
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