As a modern woman, with all the talk about gender equality and feminism, it can sometimes be a little bit confusing. Coming from the Asian subcontinent, I grew up with the notion that women are subordinate to men, must serve them at all times and must keep their sense of authority in check. I was told that a confident woman is intimidating to men and that I need to learn to play the part of the submissive woman, to stroke the male ego. I also grew up seeing my father do a lot to serve my mother. He cooked, washed the bathrooms, cleaned the balconies and served her meals. He insisted that she sit at the table with us for meals rather than be in the kitchen, even if it meant eating food that was slightly cold. This behaviour was completely counter-cultural.

As a woman in her 20s finding herself, looking for love, and diving into the idea of marriage, all this was agonisingly difficult to navigate. I had dreams, I had ambitions, I had goals, but would that make me un-marry-able? I remember my own parents telling me that it’s not good for a woman to earn more than her husband and that factor has the potential to ruin a marriage. So, do I squash my talent to earn less? Do I under-dream to remain marriage material? Do I restrain my confidence to ensure that I don’t overpower my man? I can’t tell you how many restless nights I had battling through these questions. I loved the idea of having a family of my own, but did that mean I had to intentionally make myself smaller? If that was the case, maybe I was better off not being married. Enter the world of TV!

While the media isn’t always the best influence, let’s call this one of those ‘eat the chicken, throw the bones moments.’ Here are 5 TV shows that helped me battle through my issues with the patriarchy. 5. Reign

How can a series set in the 16th century possibly be feminist? You may be surprised. I don’t want to give away spoilers, but both Queen Mary and Queen Catherine have their real power moments. One of the best lines in my opinion is “The first lesson I ever learned was never to wait for a man’s rescue.” — Queen Catherine de’ Medici. As someone who was made to think that I needed to be ‘smaller’ for the man, this was an especially empowering moment. A woman – a queen, in the 16th century was showing that it’s okay to be your own hero and you don’t have to be this damsel in distress. You can be a power figure and still be ‘desirable’ at the same time.

Another part of the show that helped me was how Queen Mary and her husband worked together for their country. He consulted her, they talked, they sparred, they disagreed, but they were better for it. She knew his word was final, and that was okay, but she knew her point of view mattered to him. It showed me in some ways what ‘healthy submission’ looked like. He carried the responsibility of the kingdom and therefore he needed to have the authority, but that didn’t mean that he would just do as he pleased or dismiss his wife when she didn’t agree with him.

4. Jane the Virgin

Okay, I know this show is a highly dramatized, overly romantic comedy centred purely around love, but there are moments that I find particularly impressive. One of my all-time favourites is how the Villanueva women came together to help Jane raise her baby. Even when Jane struggled with the feeding, there was something powerful about her being vulnerable enough with her mom to ask for help. Jane knew she didn’t need a man because she had her family to rely on and she knew exactly when to ask for help – something that takes a very strong and confident woman to do. Another lesson I learned from Jane was how she knew who she wanted to be, and she never gave up. Even when life threw her curveballs, she went after her dreams. It takes something to be a mom, a student and a working girl and chase your dreams all at the same time. She didn’t allow the fact that she had a child to stop her from pursuing her dreams – something that can so easily happen.

Here’s her philosophy: “Life is full of tough moments; you have to fight for what you want” – Jane

Then there’s Petra and all that she accomplished by herself. She clawed her way to the top, despite having more obstacles than anyone else on the show. She, unlike Jane, had no family to lean on, yet she managed to make her dreams a reality too. Though the show is centred around Jane, I love that every character essentially has the opportunity to be ‘the hero’ of the show – even Mateo!

3. Mom

I don’t have a favourite quote for you because the entire show is powerful in my opinion, because it’s a show about a single mom fighting her addiction, parenting her children (and mother), and trying to create a steady household for her family. In fact there’s a quote by Anna Faris that she made in real life. It’s not in the show, but it’s theme is so apparent right throughout: “As a woman, your identity changes. You are now a mom, sort of the most important job in the world and the pressure and the guilt and all the things that are wrapped up in that. I don’t think anyone can really prepare you for [motherhood] ― even though they try. ... I definitely grappled with the idea of ‘Who am I now?’ The way I describe it is like a tidal wave. There was before the tidal wave, and there’s after the tidal wave.” – Anna Faris

2. This Is Us

This is currently my favourite show. It’s witty, it’s raw, it’s funny and real all at the same time. Though I love all the characters, my personal favourite is Beth Pearson for so many reasons. Watching her and Randall over the years in many ways has been healing for me. Watching them fight to make sure each one of them are the biggest, most successful, most empowered versions of themselves has been a real eye opener. They are each other’s biggest cheerleaders, fiercest supporters and strongest allies. They fight, they make up, but they always respect one another and hold each other in the highest regard. This, to me, made the idea of marriage not seem like a ‘ball and chain’ as it is often referred to. My favourite Beth quote: “We don’t work when we’re apart. But, together… baby, together, we set the world on fire.” –

Beth Pearson

It showed me that marriage is really two people coming together to propel one another, and by no means pull one down. Though there is sacrifice (and plenty of it), compromise and even dare I say: submission, it’s all there to bring out our best selves.

1. The Bold Type

This show is literally power-packed with feminist moments. Kat, Sutton, Jane and Jacqueline all have their moments. While one of the central themes of the show is around women owning their sexuality, it taught me that female sexuality is not something to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s to be embraced (especially being married). I love Jane’s authenticity, even when it could potentially cost her, Sutton fighting for what she wants without being ashamed of it and Kat’s fearless fight for justice. The show also taught me the importance of having fellow women by my side, because the female perspective is so important, especially when things get rough. I learnt not to be ashamed to speak my mind, fight for the truth and even hide my own voice – my voice mattered. All four of them are absolutely fierce in their own ways and I’m here for it. Even watching Jacqueline be a power figure and navigate through marriage has brought me much comfort and enlightenment. My top moment from the show: “I expect you to unleash holy hell on anyone who tries to hold you back…” - Jacqueline Carlyle

The takeaway: My parents and their generation were taught certain things and so they can’t be blamed for wanting to instill in me the same concepts they believed would help me succeed. I’ve learned that the male ego does need to be stroked; but so does the female ego. I’ve learnt that as a woman and wife that I do need to support my husband. I need to help him, cheer him on, encourage him and value him – my opinion isn’t all that matters; his does too. However, I am allowed to want and expect the same thing from him without feeling ashamed of it. I’ve learned that dreams, ambitions and goals are God-given and are meant to be embraced, not squashed, but that being married to the right person propels dreams rather than hindering them. I’ve learned that being a wife and mother is no reason to give up on your dreams. While my family is important and even on my top priorities list, it doesn’t have to be my whole life.

Fast forward 3 years into being married, I’ve found these things to be true. Despite marrying a man who grew up in a similar culture, he is also my biggest encourager and supporter. When I told him, barely 3 months after having my first child that I wanted to study further, his response to me was “what can I do to help?” He is still ‘the king of our kingdom’ called family but I am not waterboarded, my opinions are no less than his, nor is my value less. He and I are a team who need to be the best versions of ourselves in order to bring out the best in our child. I never thought that something like secular TV shows could actually be healing, yet it was.

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