I turn 30 pretty soon and while I am excited about the milestone, as I reflect on the past decade of my life, there’s so much I wish I’d known. So, if you’re in your 20s or even your teens, here’s my encouragement to you.
My 20s were by no means carefree. It has been as agonizing as it was exhilarating. There were some deep dark days, some really low lows and equally high highs. This decade left me dealing with debt, unbearable loss, fear, insecurities, abuse, lack of confidence, and so much more. Nevertheless, As I enter the 30s club, I can honestly and truly say I have no regrets. Everything that I wanted out of my 20s I achieved - and then some. It’s a decade of self-discovery
Barring the initial years of one’s life, I am quite certain that an individual goes through the most changes in their 18s - 30s. As you step into adulthood and begin to feel the weight of responsibilities while navigating this big world of opportunities that we live in, you’ll start to notice changes in yourself. Your character will be defined, your personality will come to light and your skills will be put to the test. You’ll have big, weighty decisions to make and plenty of change to adapt to. The 20s are HARD. It’s also a decade of growth and opportunities for you to blossom. My encouragement to you is, allow yourself to go through the discovery process. You may question your identity, wondering who you really are and all of that is normal! The discovery process is painful and beautiful. It’s also a process that probably lasts a lifetime (sorry about that).
It’s OK to not have answers
My sister, who is six years younger than me, has known probably from the time she was a foetus that she wanted to be a writer. I, on the other hand, had no clue what I wanted to be. I signed up for university wanting to do one course, landed up doing something completely different and chose a career that has nothing to do with either one of those things! I dreaded questions like “So, what’s next for you?” or “What’s your plan?” Well my friend, nothing. Nada. Zilch. That was me! I moved around a bit, lived in a few different cities, landed a few different jobs and made a few wrong purchases before I finally settled down. I did find my footing, but it wasn’t for a while. You will too - give yourself time, there’s no race. It’s OK to explore opportunities.
If you’re like me and don’t really know what you want to do, my advice to you is: explore! Try a few different jobs, take a few courses, even try living in different places. It’s OK. As long as you’re being self-dependent, go ahead, make a few mistakes even. This time, before you’ve got kids that are dependent on you is the best time. Hopefully, you’ll find your place eventually and you’ll have a ton of lessons and memories to bank on.
Needing therapy or counselling is NORMAL
We all have scars. Even those of us that came from the best, most loving and open families carry scars, hurt and baggage of some sort. If you find yourself thinking “Gosh I need help” please, from me to you, get the help. It’ll save you years of unnecessary pain and hardships. Needing therapy doesn’t make you weak or broken. It makes you brave. It makes you the kind of person that takes life’s hardships by the reins and says “I’m in control, not you!” Trust me, we ALL need it at some point in our lives.
It’s OK to be single
I remember going through singlehood waiting to be married as if somehow my life was on hold until I was a wife. The thing is, being single allowed me to do so many things that just aren’t as easy now. For most of you, the singleness won’t last forever. Try to carpe diem it. It’s kind of like when we’re kids we can’t wait to be adults and think school is the worst. Now most of us look back on it with fondness. Singlehood is ‘school’ with all its trauma and misgivings.
Having said that, wanting to be married is not a feeling to be squashed. It’s a natural God-given desire. The yearning is how you were wired. Try to use your singleness to invest in yourself, learn and grow so that you are a better you for when you do get married.
Marriage isn’t everything you think
Someone recently said to me “So what if you’re turning 30, you have a husband and a kid, what else do you need?” While the statement made me smile, it reminded me of a time in my life that I thought, “once I’m married, I’ve arrived” as if getting married was the benchmark of a successful 20s.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am by no means bashing on my husband. I married the biggest gem of a man there is (don’t challenge me on this, I will win!). He is everything I prayed, wished and hoped for. He is also imperfect. Do you know who is worse though? Me!
Marriage is wonderful. It’s one of the best things one can do in their lifetime. It is exciting, thrilling and every bit worth it. But it’s not everything.
I’ve spent nights curled on the floor crying a bucket of tears - just as I did when I was single.
I’ve spent time thinking “I’ve never felt this lonely ever before” and I really hadn’t. Despite living alone for a while and moving countries, the loneliness in a marriage is different.
The ‘D’ word has almost slipped from my tongue so many times that I’ve had to swallow my words and instead say “Do you mind getting me some water?”.
I have the kindest, most considerate, selfless man - but the battle is real. Marriage is HARD WORK, even when you marry the person of your dreams. Not always because of them, but also because of you. Marriage magnifies the flaws that you have within you. Flaws you didn’t know existed suddenly come to light. You’ve got to put the other person first while your nature screams “what about me?” You’ve got no choice but to do better each day. You’ve got to claw and fight and wage war for your marriage - but it’s all worth it. Every second of it. The tears, the anguish, the fights, all of it is worth it.
The song that I walked down the aisle says “When God made you, he must have been thinking about me” and to this day I am amazed at how God has shaped his and my character and paths to be so different yet so complementary to one another. It’s not the romanticized marriage that the media portrays it to be - it’s better!
Having kids isn’t everything you think either
Okay, allow me a mom moment here. As life-changing as becoming a wife was, I believe the biggest life change was becoming a mother. I absolutely love my little girl. She brings us so much joy and is a constant source of entertainment.
It’s also the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Parenting a child is full of wonderful magical moments. But it’s also filled with raw, emotional moments, tough decisions and moments of discipline - not for the child but for the parent! I’ve never felt the need to be more disciplined in my life. Having this little life depend wholly on you is amazing and terrifying too. I remember thinking in her early days, “Wow, I kept her alive, that’s a big deal right?”
The sleepless nights challenge you, the never-ending work stretches you and the mess can drive you insane. Having a child means you have to fight even harder for your marriage - I should know, it took us 15 months to even bring date night back into our lives. You may experience self-doubt, fear, anxiety or just feel like a ball of a mess at times. Normal. All of it. And it gets better too! My encouragement to you is to find a fellow parent that you can talk to because there are days you are going to need it.
My final encouragement to you is please build relationships that you can lean on when times get tough. Tough times will come and you’ll be glad for your support system.
If you are a 20 something (or nearly 20) struggling to navigate the storm we call ‘life’, I hope this article encourages you. You’re gonna be OK, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. If you ever need to chat, we’re here for you - you can remain as anonymous as you like. Just don’t ever feel like you have to go through it alone.
There was a time in my life that I dreaded the 30s, thinking I was really starting to get old, but now, with mere days to go, I hope my next decade will be as thrilling and fruitful as the years that passed - I hope you’ll feel this way too!
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