Living in India, the expectations that are laid upon women of the household compared to the leeway and pampering that men often get, is outrageous. Culture around us states that men should be served. They must be allowed to relax when they come home, and be seated at the table with a hot meal prepared and ready for them. As a Christian wife and mother, I have no problem serving my husband, and would love to give him that life, but being a working woman myself, it just isn't practical.
In the wake of the changing landscape of gender roles, where feminism, gender equality, and individualism have gained prominence, I often find myself pondering on questions like "What is my role, really, and does it align with Biblical principles on femininity?"
In this article, I document some of the questions I've had during my journey tackling these issues (Disclaimer: the type of husband and wife I talk about is purely one who is a God loving, God fearing Christian. The same precedent would not apply elsewhere):
1. The Issue of Equality:
These days, we often hear the saying, "anything a man can do, a woman can do better.” As followers of Christ however, I've realized true equality is not about power struggles or competition, but rather a mutual recognition of the inherent value and worth of both partners. We achieve 'equality' by practicing selflessness, servanthood, and sacrificial love. This in turn creates an environment that fosters equality, where both individuals are affirmed and empowered to fulfill their responsibilities and potential.
I've come to the belief that contrary to the culture around us, our home is a shared responsibility and therefore, we both need to take responsibility for its upkeep, and the chores that come along with it. 1 Corinthians 11:11-12 says “However, woman isn’t independent from man, and man isn’t independent from woman in the Lord. As woman came from man so also man comes from woman. But everything comes from God.” We are not separate individuals meant to live separate lives (as much as individualism and independence is gaining popularity), but rather co-dependents, equal in God’s sight. Similarly, 1 Peter 3:7 says “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” While the word ‘weaker vessel’ may be provoking, what the Bible is really doing is challenging the man to show compassion, understanding and honor. What it is not saying is that women are weak. The Bible is full of stories of women who are heroes, shown strength and even set an example or precedent for their community. What it does mean however is that men have a greater responsibility and are answerable in ways that women are not.
2. The Issue of Submission:
The concept of submission often sparks intense debate and confusion. However, the Bible provides guidance on this topic. Ephesians 5:22-33 says “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.” By reading this we recognize that it is not about inferiority or oppression but about honoring God's design for marriage. Submission, rooted in love, calls wives to willingly support and respect their husbands as the head of the household, and equally husbands are called to lay themselves down for their wives and to live a life of sacrifice. Submission is not about blind obedience and becoming a slave to the demands of the husband but about lovingly and sacrificially putting each other ahead of oneself. Sometimes this may mean serving the other partner despite being sleep-deprived and having a tough day at work. Other times, it may mean putting his desires above your own, and yet other times, it may mean going along with his decisions despite feeling differently, BUT supporting him throughout the way, even if it turned out to be the wrong choice. What does this have to do with gender roles and working parents?
Well, not long after our daughter was born, before she was even a year old, my husband lost his job. At the time, I knew that if I chose to go out into the corporate world, I’d earn enough to support our family. However, my husband said, “she needs her mother”. So, I took on all the possible work I could while staying at home to alleviate the pressure on him. I laid down my career and despite him taking a salary hit, I decided to honor his role as the providing head of the home, and make do with what we had. It hurt. I knew I could dig us out of the financial hole we were in, but I also knew that by lovingly supporting him in that decision, our blessings and provision would come in time.
3. The Issue of Headship:
As an overflow to submission, headship, as described in the scriptures, is a call for husbands to emulate Christ's example of servant leadership. Just as Christ sacrificially loves and cares for the church, husbands are called to lead with humility, wisdom, and love. Even when both are working and even if as a wife, I end up earning more and becoming “the breadwinner”, he is still and always will be the head of the household. What that does not mean is that he is the boss and can do and say as he pleases, because he is accountable to God for his leadership. It also does not mean that I take everything he says at face value. There is room to discuss, challenge and disagree, but at the end of the day, if we disagree, he has the final word. Sometimes, we may not agree with him. Other times we may be absolutely certain that he is wrong, making a big mistake and it’s going to cost the family. Even in that situation (barring a life and death situation that puts one in harm's way), even then, we submit and allow the decision to be made. In the interim, we as wives can intercede for them, ask God to change their minds (I have done this plenty), be there for them without saying the dreaded “I told you so” when things do go wrong and love them regardless. After all, isn’t that what God does everyday? Despite knowing beginning to end, seeing everything and knowing that we are potentially making a bad choice, he allows us to make it, but loves us regardless, protects us, comforts us and shapes us in the process.
Upon saying all this, the reality of our household is this:
We both share responsibilities in the house. We both cook, do laundry, clean the floors, you name it. We also ensure that the responsibilities aren’t too heavy on each other and are quick to jump in when the other partner is too tired. We advocate for one another’s well-being and ensure that boundaries are respected. He lays himself down for me, and I for him. We both lay ourselves down for our child. He serves me food when he’s home. I make sure he’s well rested. We rely on each other's strengths and are not threatened by the fact that one is better than the other in some areas. We release each other to function in what we’re good at. His authority stands.
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