Are you struggling to figure out if your partner is really "the one"? This is a question I asked myself a ton of times when I was single. Sometimes, a person may seem like the 'perfect match' because they've ignited in you feelings you've never had before, but does that really make them "the one" for you? Unlike our older counterparts, there are modern-day struggles that GenZ and millennials face in relationships that didn't exist before. These can include things like the pressures of social media, dating apps, and the pressure to "have it all" at a young age. Thanks to social media, it can be easy to get sucked in to a rat race of who settled down first or even the comparison vortex where your friends seem happy. Social media has changed the way we approach relationships and often triggers feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. It's important to remember that what you see online is often a curated version of reality and not a true representation of a real relationship. Online dating can also be both a blessing and a harm. It can trigger a constant feeling of 'the grass is greener' as we swipe through endless options or 'good matches.' This can make things far more confusing when you're really trying to figure out if you have met your forever partner. From a wife to you, being on the other side of this, here are my key areas for you to consider when deciding if your partner is truly "the one."
Core Values
One of the most important things to consider when evaluating a potential life partner is your shared core values. These are the fundamental beliefs and principles that guide your decisions and actions. Do you and your partner have similar beliefs about important things like religion, politics, and family? While it's not necessary to have identical values, it's important that you share some common ground to ensure that you can navigate life's challenges together. Your core values are what make you you, and being able to share those will make life infinitely easier.
Finances
Money is a common source of stress in relationships, so it's important to have open and honest conversations about finances early on. Do you and your partner have similar views on saving and spending? Are you comfortable with each other's approach to money? It's important to be on the same page to ensure a healthy financial future together. One immediate red flag would be if your partner is swimming in debt. This indicates a lack of control, poor planning and unhealthy living. It also means that should you choose to marry, you are partnering with that person's debt and allowing that to leak into your household income and your ability to build your future together. Now, when I say debt, I am not referring to home loans or loans due to unavoidable circumstances like medical bills, I refer to indulgent spending. Even so, the question to ask is, does my partner have a financial plan to get themselves out of debt or are they looking to me to bail them out?
Respect
Respect is a crucial component of any healthy relationship. It means treating each other with kindness and consideration, even in times of conflict. Does your partner respect your feelings, thoughts, and opinions? Do they listen to you when you speak, and do you feel heard and understood? Mutual respect is essential to building a strong and lasting relationship. While all boxes may not be checked, this is one that is not to be compromised on.
Communication
Effective communication is key to any successful relationship. It means being able to express your thoughts and feelings in a clear and respectful way, and being willing to listen to your partner's perspective. Do you and your partner communicate well? Are you able to talk openly and honestly about your feelings? If you struggle with communication, it's important to work on this skill together to ensure a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Ability to Fight Healthily
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it's important to be able to fight healthily. This means being able to express your anger or frustration in a respectful way, and being willing to work through disagreements together. Do you and your partner fight fairly? Do you listen to each other's perspectives and work to find a resolution that works for both of you? When the conflict is over, how do you feel? If you come out of the fight feeling worse about yourself, there may be a serious red flag. A good partner makes you feel safe even when you're vulnerable, angry, or hurt.
Intimacy
Intimacy is an important aspect of any romantic relationship. It means feeling emotionally connected to your partner and being physically intimate. Do you feel comfortable being vulnerable with your partner? While physical intimacy is important, emotional intimacy is far more crucial for building a solid and lasting relationship. Don't let the joys of physical intimacy cloud your ability or judgment of emotional intimacy.
Intellectual Connection
Having an intellectual connection with your partner means being able to have engaging conversations and share ideas and interests. Do you and your partner enjoy discussing topics that interest you both? Are you able to learn from each other and challenge each other's perspectives? Having a strong intellectual connection is actually vital to help you build a deep and meaningful relationship. I would actually argue that compatible partners are on an even intellectual wavelength. While both may have intelligence in different areas, the ability to converse, share, discuss and understand is necessary.
Compromise
Compromise is an essential skill for any healthy relationship. It means being willing to find a solution that works for both partners, even if it means giving up something you want. Do you and your partner make decisions together? Are you able to find a middle ground when you disagree? Or does one get their way each time, even if that one is you? Being able to compromise is key to building a strong and lasting relationship.
Challenge
While it's important to have shared values and interests, it's also important to be challenged by your partner. This means being pushed out of your comfort zone and learning new things about yourself and the world around you. Does your partner challenge you to be a better version of yourself? Do they support your goals and encourage you to pursue your passions? Being challenged can help you grow both individually and as a couple
Goals
Finally, do your life goals align? For example, do you both want children, or do you want to travel every year, and so on? Sometimes, goals aren't identical, that's where compromise comes in, but are you able to agree upon life goals that make you both happy and that you can both work towards? Do those goals reflect both of you together?
Things to be cautious of.
While these may not be deal-breakers, I recommend you be a bit more guarded if any of the following occur:
- You or your partner are extremely short-tempered with one another - this creates an unsafe environment that inhibits the other's ability to thrive.
- Your friends and family are not on board or are not fully supportive - they know and love you and probably can see what you can't
- They have a history of infidelity - sometimes habits repeat themselves
- They had a previous marriage/child from a previous relationship - while this is not necessarily a red flag, it is important to take your time and take things slow in such relationships because with this often brings a lot of emotional trauma that you may have to work through. It also means that you will be intertwined in a relationship that carries a lot of history and often pain. If you find yourself in this kind of relationship, I recommend seeing a couples counselor to help you both navigate that in a healthy, loving manner that helps you, your partner and the other parties involved.
For an article on how to spot red flags, stay tuned.
While there may be more things to consider, it's important to note that sometimes, not all the boxes will be ticked. Some things can be worked on if both partners are committed and some are just non-negotiables. Trustworthiness, loyalty honesty, and respect are some of those things. If a person checks all of the above boxes, but not these, RUN.
So, how do you know if your partner is really "the one"? While there's no one-size-fits-all answer, there are some key areas to consider. Do you share similar core values? Are you able to communicate effectively and fight healthily? Do you feel emotionally and physically connected to your partner? Do they challenge you to be a better version of yourself?
Ultimately, deciding if your partner is "the one" requires careful consideration and introspection. It's important to be honest with yourself about what you want and need in a relationship, and to be willing to have open and honest conversations with your partner. With time, patience, and effort, you can build a strong and lasting relationship with the person who truly is "the one" for you.
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