A couple of weeks ago, I had the privilege of interviewing Wyatt Midden Deysel: Tiktoker, Content Creator and entrepreneur from South Africa. Over the past few weeks, The Daily Deck has been exploring gender, femininity and identity and now we wanted to flip the script and talk about what men go through. What defines “manliness”? In a world where alpha males are still a thing and body shaming happens more often than not…we ask ourselves, is chivalry really dead?
Well I’m happy to report that gentlemen do still exist out there and Wyatt is one of them. Although popular, a social media savant and public figure, Wyatt showed extreme vulnerability in sharing his journey of manhood, his struggles with his mental health, and so much more.
Let’s hear from him about how toxic masculinity has impacted his life, where his confidence comes from and how to be more of a gentleman in dating.
Tell us a little bit about yourself and what your platform is all about?
I was born on the 2nd of September, 1996 all the way in Port Elizabeth South Africa. I run my own business, selling electric bicycles and trailers, which is great. But at the end of the day, my dream is to be an actor, a musician, a writer and a creator.
Few facts about myself: I play piano because I love music very much. Music is a language that anyone can understand. And I'm a big gamer. That's also something I do quite often with most of my social time - it's put into playing games, hanging out with friends and stuff.
Why did you decide to start a platform creating content and what is your content all about?
So technically I have been creating content since about my first year of university, you could say about 2015, but unofficially in terms of doing stupid Snapchat stories. And then Instagram came and I started doing, like, little skits here and there. It was pretty dumb but it made me laugh and it made people laugh and so I built up a following that way on Instagram.
And then TikTok came along, which was Musical.ly before that. And to be honest, initially I had absolutely no respect for anyone who used TikTok. And I downloaded it as a joke and I used it to make fun of other people. But then, my fourth video got about a million views and reached the American market.
So that was like a wake up call for me, like, yeah I can do this. And I realized people are actually wanting to watch the content that I'm making. So then I started doing a video almost every day of the year and there on afterwards. And then at the beginning of 2020, I broke up with my ex, and after we ended things, I think I started making more content. Then of course, lockdown came and my mom and I started doing cooking videos together just as a stupid joke and that started doing really well and people loved the dynamic of my mom and I together. So I then started branching out into other videos that I was doing that I enjoyed. So I do acting videos, I do videos talking about mental health. I do comedy, I do stuff with my mom, stupid dances, or whatever it is.
I just know how hard life can be and I know for a fact that not everyone is in the best head space, but I want people to come across my videos, watch it, and say, wow, I feel a tiny bit better afterwards.
“You flip through people's feeds and you see people are living their life, people are getting married left, right, and center, falling in love, they're traveling the world, they're doing everything that you kind of wish you were doing.”
Has there ever been a time where you struggled to be vulnerable in social media?
I would say yes and no. I think I'm very open about my feelings. I'm very open especially about the content that I make mainly because of the fact that content creation online is about trying to show the best parts of you. You know, a lot of the time when you go on Instagram and you flip through people's feeds and you see people are living their life, you know, people are getting married, left, right, and center, falling in love, they're traveling the world, they're doing everything that you kind of wish you were doing.
And I kind of want to break that down. I wanted to put myself in a situation where I can let people know that I might be creating content and I might be happy in the videos I make, or I might be doing all of these things, but I just want people to know that I'm human, just like you, and I hurt just like you and my life isn’t perfect. I have suffered from depression. I suffer from ADHD. Unfortunately, suicidal tendencies have been a big part of my life, and I'm not proud of it, but I mean, it has been that way. And I know for a fact that in terms of vulnerability, at any moment, I can be open to speak to people about what I've been through.
So I would sometimes say yes, it is difficult to be vulnerable, but in most instances, I try to be as vulnerable and transparent as I possibly can.
So today we really want to dive into the topic of ‘Toxic Masculinity’ and gender roles. So let me ask you, how has toxic masculinity affected you? And how can men break this pattern?
Toxic masculinity, first of all, is a huge problem. It's a social standard that has been set out that is very false.
Toxic masculinity is not being able to express who you are. It's not being able to express the person that you are. It's saying that being vulnerable means being weak. I can't cry. I can't speak about my emotions. I can't allow myself to feel anything because as soon as I do, I'm ‘a woman’ or I am considered ‘weak’, and I feel like that’s a horrible take on it. I feel like it's okay to cry. I think it's beautiful to cry, to embrace your emotions. And I think a lot of the time I tend to open up a lot about what I'm going through and I get hate for that, from other men. And some of the comments I get are “That's pretty gay, bro”. And so a lot of the time it's more appreciated by women that I'm able to open up about how I'm feeling than it is understood by men.
Of course not everyone is like that, there are some who have come up to me and thanked me for sharing my life and emotions, but it just comes back to this: You have emotions and you are allowed to feel them.
What would be your advice to men who come from broken families on how to grow into their identity of masculinity, and how do they figure out how to be a good man?
I think firstly it's extremely difficult, not having a father figure in your life. My dad grew up without one, he left him when he was four. So when my dad raised me, he did most of it off trial and error and it wasn't easy. But I would say this:
Acknowledge the fact that if you're trying to find your identity without having a role model you should be proud of yourself because it's not something to take lightly.
In every instance, be yourself. Respect other people, love other people, and treat others the way you want to be treated. Being a man is understanding that you don't have to be the biggest person in the room. You don't have to be someone who wants to cause a fight because you can.
Be very expressive. In terms of masculinity, a lot of people will tell you that showing your emotions isn’t a show of strength. They’ll say you're too feminine, you're too this or that. But if you are who you are and you are who God made you to be, then that is more than enough.
Be the person God created you to be. The problem often lies in people finding their identity in other people, but you can be as lost as possible, you may not know who you are but the thing is without God, you’re not meant to find yourself. You could be like the lost sheep, but you know what it says in the Bible? God will leave the 99 to go after the one. So sometimes you’re the one. Just know that you can find all of your identity in Him.
It's so important how you said that our role model doesn’t come from people, it comes from God. Which means that even if you have grown up without a father figure, your best model of masculinity doesn’t come from a father because people, parents even, can be flawed. Our best model of masculinity is God the Father and we’re called to be image-bearers of God, being more like Him and less like the world.
So with that being said, I want to ask you what are your tips for men on being confident?
“Confidence isn't just about being able to stand in front of a camera and speak and smile.”
In terms of being confident, I think first of all, you’ve got to find what makes you feel like you shouldn’t be confident? Because often we tend to compare ourselves to other people and find reasons why we shouldn’t be confident. And so in my instance, I’ve got Body Dysmorphia and I struggle with that almost every day but I’m trying to be better with that, and be happy with myself regardless of whether I feel too fat or too skinny. So my tips would be:
Stop with the comparisons: Understand that who you are is enough and when you try to be someone else, you’re stealing their identity. You may have your flaws, but you’re doing an incredible job just by being you. And the only thing you wanna be better than is the person you were yesterday.
Know that God doesn’t make mistakes: He's never made a mistake in his life. Why would he start with you?
You are not a mistake. You are not a burden. You are not a broken person. You are someone who wants to be fixed, who wants to be as confident as you can be and if you ever forget who you are, you can always just look to God because He knows. After all, He made you.
Know your purpose: My confidence, personally, comes from knowing that I was born here for a purpose, for a reason, to make a difference in my life and in other people's lives. And confidence isn't just about being able to stand in front of a camera and speak and smile.
When we talk about being a gentleman - you’ve created an interesting series on TikTok called ‘The gentleman etiquette’ and I think it’s really noble that you’re inspiring men to do better and treat women with respect.
But we often hear this phrase “Nice guys finish last” - do you agree with this? And what's your advice to men on chivalry in dating?
Firstly, if you call yourself a nice guy to say “Nice guys finish last” you are not a nice guy.
You don't put yourself in a place where you say that you are a nice guy. You portray values and ethics and treat people in a nice way and by putting yourself out there by saying you're “a nice guy” and if you are just being nice so people can recognize you for that, then that's not the point of being nice. That vocabulary shouldn't exist. We should try to be nicer to others and kind to everyone, because God commanded us to love everyone as ourselves.
Secondly, chivalry is not dead. It shouldn't be, and I think in terms of dating and speaking to other girls, I think it's very important that men listen to women. Because you will have no idea what women want if you’re just listening to men about it, so try and listen to what a woman's definition of a gentleman is. That goes beyond just opening the doors for a girl, or having expectations on the first date. Being a gentleman is just about respect.
So how would you encourage a man who is feeling fearful that if they’re just going to be nice all the time, girls won’t be attracted to that?
I’d say, even though this may sound harsh, but tough love. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You aren’t helping yourself by feeling pity because pity isn’t strength. Feeling sorry for yourself is a weak standpoint. In life, you are going to face rejection in so many ways, people are going to hurt you. There’s no way that you’re going to live a life where pain doesn’t come to you, but at the same time, you’ve got to build a thick skin. You’ve got to be able to accept what's happened, and say to yourself ‘Okay that happened, but it doesn't mean it's gonna happen forever. It doesn't mean that one day I'm never gonna find someone just because of the fact that she doesn't want me.’
Also, you don’t say something like ‘Its her loss. Sometimes, you’re in the situation where you don’t actually deserve each other so its not about whether she's losing out, it's whether she's gonna find someone who's compatible and right for her where you are trying to find the same thing.
So it's about understanding that rejection sometimes isn't even personal. Like it's not even because they don't like you as a person. They just don't like you in that way. You could be an incredible friend. The friend zone is not even that bad because you don't ever want to start a relationship where you go into it romantically because then you are missing an entire aspect of it and great marriages are built on friendships.
In closing
There’s so many resources available to women on loving yourself, embracing your bodies and being confident but sometimes men may struggle with the insecurity that they have to bottle up their struggles. They may be afraid to show their emotions, speak about their body issues or their mental health but just know that you’re not alone. You’re doing okay. And even if you fall and fail sometimes, there is a loving Father who will never let you down.
Rapid fire round with Wyatt:
We asked Wyatt a bunch of questions and had him give his answer immediately, he wasn’t allowed to think too much about it! Here’s what he said:
Suzie: Texting or talking?
Wyatt: Talking
Suzie: Favorite day of the week?
Wyatt: Friday
Suzie: Nickname your parents used to call you?
Wyatt: Midden. My middle name
Suzie: Who has it easier—men or women?
Wyatt: *Laughs* I’m not answering that, thank you very much.
Suzie: Your biggest pet peeve?
Wyatt: The sound you make when you scratch on chalkboard, but also the sound you make when you scratch on car seats. It just gives me goosebumps.
Suzie: Favorite time of the day?
Wyatt: Evening
Suzie: What is one thing people do that you can’t stand.
Wyatt: Star signs. I cannot stand that at all.
Suzie: What would people be surprised to know about you?
Wyatt: I have stitches in my foot that I got while playing Captain Underpants.
So my parents got me a Swiss Army knife. I took the Swiss Army knife and I was a bit too old to be playing the story, but it's fine. So I took the Swiss Army knife and I put it on top of the towels and the next day, I was wearing those little children’s briefs and I was in Grade Five at the time. So I was running around the house with that on and I'm like ‘Oh I’m Captain underpants!’ And I pulled the little towel down and it went straight to my foot. So, yeah, and there was blood everywhere and I was just dumb.
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