I recently wrote an article about my battle with low self-esteem and how the factors around me aided my descent into what seemed like a black hole with no way out. What I didn’t touch on, however, was my battle with my weight.
Unfortunately, we have a genetic predisposition to obesity in our family. While that’s no excuse for being overweight, it certainly made things much harder. I wasn’t always heavy. In fact, as a teenager, I was quite alright for my height. As an impressionable girl, however, when life took a few swings at me, my weight began to take a few hits as well. I always loved food. From very little, to this day, I love food and I love to eat. Eating makes me happy. However, what I did not realize is that I had a tendency to stress-eat or eat my feelings away. So, when my self-esteem plummeted, the binge-eating began. Now, I wasn’t eating a fridge full of food, but I would go out and have a bit of junk every now and again. I loved chocolates and brownies and a good hearty burger. Eating brought me comfort that I could not at the time find anywhere else. It didn’t matter in the past, because I played some sports and I burned the calories, but when an unfortunate illness led to me being sick for two years, unable to stomach food at all, and eventual surgery, my love of food returned with a bang. This time, I couldn’t play because the post-op recovery made it too painful and so the kilos began to pack on. I remember distinctly getting ready for prom, still quite thin but looking at my arms and thinking “OMG, those are huge, can I take a knife and cut off the flab?” I fantasized about going under the
knife just to look prettier. I dreamt that if only I were thinner, I’d get a date to the prom and from there on out, I blamed all my problems on my weight. It was another 6 years before I actually fell into the overweight category, but to me, I was fat, ugly, and undesirable. I thought about ending my life every single day, because the more I wanted to lose weight, the more I felt like I was starving and needed to eat. I ate less and less, but the kilos kept piling on. I’d feel and sense judgemental eyes from some when I ate, so much so that I’d wait till everyone was in bed or gone to have my dinner.
Every time I looked at myself I wanted to smash the mirror. I was too ashamed to ask for help and I continued living in this mental cycle of terror. This turned around only when I was about 18 years old and got into a relationship. By this time, I had accepted Jesus and had begun my journey of accepting my identity, but the issue of my weight was still undealt with. However, in this relationship, I was told daily that I was ‘beautiful’ and when he described beauty, he didn’t describe any of my exteriors. He began to list out the things within me that made me beautiful, attractive and wanted. I’ll never forget the day he said, “but Jo, you HAVE to believe it if you’re ever going to feel beautiful.” He went on to explain that if I felt beautiful, I would radiate that, and people would see it eventually. While that relationship never worked out, those words stuck with me. After the relationship ended, I fought even harder for myself. I decided that my singleness was going to be my time to focus on myself, do the things that I love and build myself up to be who I wanted to be - and that’s exactly what I did.
It was 4 years later that I met my husband, but in those 4 years, I put in the work and I became one of the most confident women I’ve seen in my personal life. I did not become thinner, in fact, quite the opposite; but I did gain control of my emotional eating. By the time I met my husband who was my long-distance boyfriend for a year, I had no problems taking selfies, make-up or not, hair done or not, raw, real selfies. By this time, my medical issues had caught up, making it almost impossible to lose weight and so I knew that my only option was to eat healthily, live healthily, and embrace the curves. I was an obese bride, with a transparent back gown, dancing away shamelessly and full of pride of who I had become. I knew that my weight did not define me, but rather who I was and who I chose to believe: God, or the judgment of mankind and the media. I am beautiful whether the magazines agree with me or not! So here’s what I did to get there: 1) I acknowledged I needed help: While I was previously too ashamed to ask, I knew that if I continued, I would eventually harm myself. I had to get help and hiding was no longer an option. 2) I had accountability: I had someone checking in on me, helping me stay grounded, centered and focused. 3) I sought deliverance: A lot of the issues that my self-hate stemmed from were spiritual. They were also lies that I had believed and accepted for myself. I had to be prayed with and delivered from this to be really free 4) I prioritized myself: At the time, I closed myself off to relationships and made sure that I was focusing entirely on myself. I made sure to prioritize my needs and come to a place where I could feel proud of myself. 5) I came clean about my struggles: It wasn’t until I put my shame aside and let my inner circle in on what I was dealing with that I really began to find some freedom. I’ll end with this: Jesus conquered EVERYTHING at the cross and he did so because he loved you so much that he was willing to suffer for you. He was willing to suffer so that you could have a relationship with him and know him. So that when you know him, you’d also know how he sees you. Just like my partner helped me shift my perspective on my beauty, Jesus sees ALL of you, and he loved all of you enough to die. He suffered so you could walk with him and see his love for you. He suffered so you could walk in freedom. He suffered so that he could be the one that defeated every evil power that exists, so that you don’t have to. The battle has been defeated already, so if you’re struggling, know that he’s right beside you to help you walk into that victorious freedom that you’re too scared to dream of.
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