This is a hard topic for me to talk about. Because it means reliving one of the most painful romantic rejections I’ve ever faced in my life.
I have, unfortunately, had one too many relationships, situationships, crushes, you name it - I’ve dated across the globe, fallen in love multiple times, and faced a lot of heartbreak in my life, but not even my past breakups could compare to the pain I faced in 2019.
3 years later, I can still barely bring myself to talk about it. Writing about it hurts more than I expected it to. But hopefully, my experience can help someone who’s been through something similar.
I met a guy in the Philippines on a church conference trip. For confidentiality purposes, let’s call him Sean. At the time I was single and not really looking for a relationship, but sometimes you just meet a person that makes you question your desire to be single, don’t you? He was that kind of guy.
At first, I didn’t really notice him that much. But slowly, as time went on, he managed to chip away at my reservations and convince me that on some level he was into me. Mind you, 100% of our conversations were over text because he continued to be in touch with me after I traveled back home. But I thought he had to be into me, right? The double texting, the subtle flirting, the “signs”? We talked almost every day. After 3 months of texting, I realized that he liked someone, but because of all the signals he had been giving me, on some level I thought (or hoped) it was me.
Eventually, I worked up the courage to tell him how I feel. I went into that phone call so doe-eyed and hopeful that he felt the same way, and that the flirting wasn’t in my head. Boy was I wrong.
He told me that he was in love with someone else and that if I had come first, the situation would have been different. The second part of that sentence was what absolutely broke me. It made me feel like he felt something for me too, but my timing was off. Like perhaps if I had just waited, it would have worked out.
“I wasn’t crazy. I didn’t imagine things. I was just a victim of extreme gaslighting.”
Hearing him say that he was in love with someone else was like a sharp stab to the gut that twisted at a lethal angle. He never used the word ‘love’ before, so I didn't know he was in love with someone. Had he even used that simple word, I would have known it was not me. Because how can you fall in love with me so quickly? We didn’t know each other that well. I would have known it wasn’t me, had he communicated he loved someone. Or at least told me who that person was. And then came all my doubts, insecurities, and questions, “Why did I think I was the girl he liked? Was he really flirting with me? Did I look for signs when there wasn’t anything?”
For the longest time, I blamed mostly myself for being rejected. It sounds silly, but I made excuses for his flirtatious behavior, saying things like ‘I shouldn’t have read between the lines, I shouldn’t have encouraged this,’ etc. and I questioned whether the flirting even really happened or whether I wanted to believe it was happening. And while it is true that sometimes when we like someone, we tend to read into things, especially when texting - in my case, it was different. I had asked people’s opinions on our conversations and a lot of people told me that he was flirting with me. I wasn’t crazy. I didn’t imagine things. I was just a victim of extreme gaslighting.
I don’t think he even meant to do it. He was, by no means, abusive. He wasn’t a bully. He was just unable to gage what was an appropriate way to talk to women. He apologized profusely to me several times after I called him out for leading me on. But it didn’t take away from what he had put me through in the first place. Leading me on when he was in love with someone else was wrong. And then making me feel like my timing was off as though maybe he did like me, but “she came first”. Those were the words he actually used.
I think, on some level though, he liked the attention he was getting from me and wanted to keep me around. But the fact that he led me to blame myself for falling in love with him was incredibly hurtful and toxic. It was a form of gaslighting I never saw happening. I didn’t even know what gaslighting was back then, so I didn’t spot it until much later. And for some of you who are not familiar with what that means, “the phrase “to gaslight” refers to the act of undermining another person’s reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings.” according to Vox.
So now that you know my story and experience about an incredibly hurtful, toxic situation, I thought it would be good to point out some indicators you are being gaslighted in your relationships with people. It isn’t always super obvious sometimes.
How do you recognize that gaslighting is happening?
Take a look at the list below. If any part of the list resonates with you, you may be involved in a gaslighting relationship and need to look further.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” many times per day.
You often feel confused and even crazy in the relationship.
You’re always apologizing.
You can’t understand why you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior.
You know something is wrong but you just don’t know what.
You start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You wonder if you are good enough.
Licensed psychoanalyst Robin Sten identifies some techniques that will help in shutting down gaslighting. It's highly important that we’re aware of this behavior because it creeps into most of our relationships in a subtle but damaging way.
1) Identify the problem. Recognizing that there is a problem is the first step. Identifying that it is an issue that needs to be addressed comes next. Name what’s going on in your relationship with a family member, partner, etc., and understand that this behavior is not okay.
2) Sort out the truth from distortion. Write down your conversation in a journal so you can take an objective look at it. Where is the conversation veering off from reality into the other person’s view? Then after you look at the dialogue, write down how you felt. Look for signs of repeated denial of your experience.
3) Figure out if you are in a power struggle with your partner. If you find yourself having the same conversation over and over again and can’t seem to convince them to acknowledge your point of view, you might be getting gaslighted.
4) Give yourself permission to feel all your feelings. Accept and acknowledge that what you feel is okay.
5) Talk to your close friends. Ask them if you seem like yourself and do a reality check on the other person’s behavior. Ask them to be brutally honest. This was the way I finally found out, 2 years after the encounter, that the way that Sean treated me was actually a form of gaslighting.
You often don’t recognize you’re being gaslighted, because the other person can (intentionally or unintentionally) make you feel like you’re being “too sensitive” “crazy” “reading into things” or worse, “dramatic” or “exaggerating”. Do any of these labels ring a bell? Gaslighting is often so subtle and can come up in any normal argument with someone you’re close to, but these labels are hurtful. This is why it’s important to sometimes get an outsider’s opinion on your interaction with the other person - they’ll be able to identify if the other person is in the wrong, or whether you are, actually, just being hyper-sensitive sometimes. Often people close to you are able to give objective observations and pinpoint red flags when you can’t see them.
6) Give yourself the okay to give something up. Part of what makes it painful and challenging to leave a relationship is that the gaslighter may be the one “someone” you have committed to, such as your best friend, your mom, your sister, or your brother. It’s okay to walk away from toxicity, regardless of the source. When gaslighting becomes a repeated problem in a relationship over time, it may be good to confront the person and if there is no change, the relationship needs to be re-evaluated. After all, gaslighting can be considered abusive and a form of bullying.
These are just a few tips that specialist Robin Wright pointed out. If you’d like to read the full feature, click here: https://bit.ly/34pzhI6
I hope that by sharing my story, it will help you have healthier relationships. I hope you’ll begin to speak up and stand up to direct and indirect bullying.
“I wasn’t wrong. He was just brilliant at pretending to be in the right. But he ended up inadvertently bullying me instead.”
I’ll never forget my experience with Sean. How I still can barely say his name in a sentence without wincing first. How I still go over it in my head, wondering what went wrong. I still have moments where I cannot think about or talk about it without feeling embarrassed, blindsided, and rejected. But I wasn’t wrong to have feelings for him. He was the one who led me on, played me, and then made me question my reality with him. I wasn’t wrong. He was just brilliant at pretending to be in the right. But he ended up inadvertently bullying me instead.
Don’t go through something like what I faced alone. Whether it’s a partner, family member, or friend who’s doing this to you. Don’t allow it.
Have you faced gaslighting before? Let us know in the comments, or send us an email at mail@daily-deck.com we would love to talk it through with you one-on-one.
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