Living with a roommate can either be a blessing, an annoyance or sometimes a plain inconvenience. Lately I have gone through all the stages mentioned, where my roommate does drive me crazy and yet I have to love her or at least tolerate her because letting her move out won’t be good for my bank account.
A few months ago, I decided to save some money and get a roommate to share the rent money with me.
Just to let you know, living with a roommate in a small apartment is not an ideal situation that I would recommend to anyone…unless you’re really extroverted and totally cool with not having much space or boundaries. I, on the other hand, am not one of those people. So nothing could have prepared me for the number of awkward moments, violated boundaries, and overall weird stuff I’d encountered over the months that followed.
The first offense - an unwanted guest that wouldn’t leave
1 month and a half after my roommate moved in, she let me know that one of her friends from church was in a tight spot and didnt have a job or a place to live so she asked me if the person could stay at my place for a few days. Although I was in a studio with limited space, I willingly accepted and was happy to be able to help someone out who was in need. I told the guest when she came that if she was having trouble, she could stay as long as she needed and she didn’t have to worry about anything and I meant what I said. But I was naive to think that in saying that, I wouldn’t be taken for granted because the person ended up staying at my house for nearly 3 months…
The problem I had at the time wasn’t with the person overstaying her welcome, the problem I had was with my roommate for not communicating anything to me about how long exactly the person needed to stay and when she would be leaving, and the fact that there was no offer to pay rent for the person staying there or any acknowledgement, at the very least, that perhaps a third person living in my space would be an issue. There was radio silence from my roommate and guest about the new living situation.
I tried a soft approach at first with my roommate, asking her when the guest would be leaving in a polite way and she informed me that it would be a matter of a few days, but those few days ended up being a few weeks and again, I wasn’t told anything. Not only that, they would often talk really loudly at home and stay up late , and although the guest was lovely, the lack of space was becoming problematic for me.
Eventually it came to a point where I texted my roommate (because I could never get an opportunity to speak to her alone) and I said the guest should ideally be paying rent and could stay at my place for a few more weeks but then she’d need to find another place. I felt like a bad person at the time, however no one was communicating anything to me and I had never agreed to keeping this person for 3 months. It made it worse that I was going to church with both these women and I didn’t want to put someone out who genuinely seemed to be in a tough place and needed help, but at the same time I felt I was being taken advantage of. Finally, the person left and I was relieved, but I never truly got over the awkwardness of the whole situation.
The second offense - she wouldn’t take care of my cat
When I first got my cat, my roommate agreed to feed my cat from time to time. I assumed full responsibility for my fur baby, but was grateful for her being willing to take care of his needs occasionally, however over time she stopped feeding him and I would have to do everything on my own. Which meant that sometimes if I went out and came home late, he would go for hours without being fed. And although that may not seem like a big thing considering he is my cat that I adopted, when you’ve agreed to do something and then don’t do it, it kind of makes you feel like you can’t safely leave your cat alone with them. She would also yell at him in the middle of the night while I was trying to sleep if he was misbehaving, and not only was that super inconsiderate of her to be yelling in the middle of the night, it was also unfair to him because he was just being an animal who doesn’t know better. To top it all off, when I would tell her not to do something because its harmful for the cat she’d often just ignore what I was saying and brush it off.
Many times she would just be unreasonably loud, whether it was talking to her family till late night or yelling at the cat or coming home at 12am and then proceeding to clean while I was trying to sleep.
The third and final offense - she got rid of my stuff
The last thing that she did that almost caused me to ask her to move out in a rage was she moved my old couch out of my home without consulting me. I came home one day and it was gone, and this was after I explicitly explained to her that it was my sofa and no one else’s but she figured she’d rather get me a new one because the one I had was old. At the time I was really upset because although her intentions were good, she did throw out my stuff without my permission.
The catch was, and is, that I go to church with her. So asking her to move out due to silly things like this would make things awkward when I would inevitably run into her at church. During this period, I was well aware of the fact that I never wanted to live with a roommate but felt I had to, in order to safely afford my place and it made me feel really powerless, especially in moments where my boundaries felt violated.
But here’s what the Lord has been teaching me in this season:
1) How to lovingly respond and bring up conflict in a healthy way - I could have easily responded out of anger when my stuff was thrown out or during any of the other mentioned situations, but I went to God and waited till I had calmed down so I didn’t just react in the moment.
God showed me how to give her the benefit of the doubt and to not feel afraid to show that I was upset about something, but to be honest and yet gentle about it at the same time.
2) How to have the uncomfortable conversations - Its easy sometimes to just avoid uncomfortable situations and not talk about them, and for me, as a conflict-avoidant person who hates bringing up these things, God has been pushing me to speak out about my issues rather than keeping it to myself, no matter how uncomfortable they make me feel.
Its better to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone you’re living with, especially if its a friend or someone from church, out of a place of love and grace than to keep quiet until the thing thats bothering you boils over and you lose it with them.
If you go to church with someone you live with, its more important than ever that you keep the peace but you can do so without being a pushover. When you politely but firmly set your boundaries with your roommate then when they occasionally mess up, as believers you should, ideally be able to have more grace for each other than if the person doesn’t go to church. And if asking the person to move out isn't an option, then you’ll have to ask God to expand your capacity for grace otherwise living with your roommate who drives you crazy will just drive you to despair.
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