How to communicate with a bad communicator

In a special episode of the Daily Deck podcast, guest speakers Austin and Jo Kudalkar opened up about their journey of navigating communication and conflict resolution in their relationship. With over five years of marriage, they shared their unique experiences, from starting their relationship long-distance to raising a growing family. Their insights into how they've dealt with communication challenges are not just valuable for romantic partnerships but also for friendships and workplace dynamics.

Jo, an expressive communicator, wears her emotions on her sleeve and is open about her needs, such as asking for time alone when necessary. Austin, on the other hand, has a more passive communication style, often putting the other person's needs before his own, which can lead to frustration. He tends to internalize his feelings and sometimes expresses them passively, such as through sighing or withdrawing. Their contrasting communication styles have shaped their approach to resolving conflicts and maintaining a healthy relationship, offering practical lessons for anyone looking to improve their communication skills. Here’s what they have to say:

Do you find it easy to communicate with each other?

Jo: "Being in a long-distance relationship really forced us to focus on communication. We didn’t have the distractions of physical presence, so we built a solid foundation, which made things easier when we finally got married."

Austin: "In the early days, we didn’t have many conflicts. But now, with kids and more responsibilities, it’s harder. We always make sure there’s no judgment in our communication. We focus on patience and understanding."

How do you communicate when one person is more passive and the other more expressive?

Jo: "I’ve had to learn patience. Austin is more reserved, so I give him space to process. I often ask, ‘What’s going on?’ to encourage him to open up. It’s about being patient and attentive."

Austin: "It’s hard for me to express feelings immediately, especially when stressed. I internalize things and try to resolve them on my own, but I trust Jo to help me work through it when I’m ready. It sometimes takes days, but I appreciate her patience."

As a passive communicator, how do you prevent emotions from boiling over?

Austin: "I try to resolve things on my own at first. If it gets overwhelming, I turn to Jo, but I don’t always express myself immediately because I don’t want to feel embarrassed. I’ve learned to give myself space to process before talking."

Jo: "It’s helpful to have grounding tools like journaling or exercise. When Austin is stressed, I try to create a calming environment for him—like tidying up—to help him feel less cluttered."

How do you communicate with someone who has a passive communication style, like Austin?

Jo: "I stay extra alert, checking in on Austin’s feelings when he’s quiet or withdrawn. I give him time to process, and I don’t overwhelm him with my thoughts while waiting for him to open up."

What would you say to someone who struggles with expressing themselves, especially if they don’t have a partner to lean on?

Austin: "Find a trusted friend who won’t judge you. If you don’t have that person, start by expressing your concerns or asking for advice. You may be surprised by how open people are to listening."

Jo: "For internal processors, tools like deep breathing, exercise, or journaling can help clarify your feelings before opening up. It doesn’t always have to be immediate, just giving yourself space to process is key."

What does "bad communication" look like to you?

Austin: "I can be a bad communicator when I’m not attentive. For example, if I’m distracted while giving directions, it causes frustration later. Communication requires being present."

Jo: "I can sometimes be too vocal in conflict, which might seem aggressive. Bad communication isn’t about being ‘bad’ at it—it’s about not considering the other person’s feelings and not being present."

So, how do you communicate with someone who is a "bad communicator"?

Jo: "Patience is key. If the other person isn’t expressing themselves, offer space and time. Pay attention to their body language and actions, and engage in ways that work for both of you."

Austin: "Exactly. Communication isn’t just about words—actions and tone matter too. Understanding that helps us connect better."

Final thoughts on improving communication

In conclusion, Jo and Austin emphasize the power of patience and understanding in any relationship. They highlight that respecting each person's unique communication style is key, and the goal should always be to keep the conversation open and respectful. Growth happens when we admit our mistakes and work together to improve. By practicing patience, respect, and honesty, relationships can flourish, no matter the challenges or differences.

*This article is an abridged version that has been condensed for optimal reading. To listen to the full podcast, follow the links below:

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