Let’s be honest - you clicked on this post because you feel like your parents are too much. For some reason, you feel like you can’t deal with them anymore, maybe it’s the nagging, the controlling, the baby-ing, the smothering...whatever it is, family life is tough.
As we get older, living with parents can become quite challenging. You develop more individuality and independence but sometimes living with your parents takes that away from you. When we become more independent, we feel like we no longer have to listen to or take orders from our parents or anyone and then the struggle against authority begins.
Many times, relationship barriers can also occur due to simple lifestyle and personality differences. For example, a mother might be finicky and neat but a child might be a bit more of a laidback type that doesn’t mind a bit of mess and disorganization. Rather than accepting the differences, children might try to (and fail to) change their parents, or parents might try to instill values or habits into their children which they rigorously reject. But it’s usually the things that parents nag you about that are so vitally fundamental to your growth.
So how do we figure out a way to get along and deal with our parents in a healthy manner?
1. Write a letter to them detailing every little thing they do that annoys you
This can really help you to vent your frustrations on paper. Write down all the things they do that bother you but don’t send the letter, it’s just for you to let off steam. Write about how certain behaviours, rules or problems make you feel and don’t mince words - be honest, because your parents will never see the letter, but you need to be able to tell them what you’re feeling as though you’re talking to them.
2. Look at areas in your life that could be changed
Many kids often try and fail to change their parents. But as parents grow older, they become set in their ways and certain behaviours can be hard to change. Even if your parents are 98% wrong most of the time, there may be no point in trying to change them - just look at the 2% where you could change or do something better, to improve your relationship. Just look at what you can do differently: is there a behaviour of yours that they don’t agree with? Are you violating their house rules? Are you being irritable or not picking up your chores around the house? It’s so easy to villianize our parents for not understanding or nagging us, but we often fail to look at the fault within ourselves until it’s staring us in the face.
3. Focus on the good
Dwell on their good qualities, all the good things they’ve done for you lately and the things you love the most about them. You’ll often find that list to be longer than the things you hate about them.
4. Modelling good attitudes for your friends, siblings etc.
Often when you have younger siblings, you are unconsciously modelling certain behaviours for them and if you rebel and disrespect your parents, you are letting them know that it’s ok and acceptable to do that. They might then imitate the same behaviour or do worse, because they’re subconsciously picking up on your attitude towards your parents.
Whatever problems you may have with your parents, sort it out with them in private if you can, and don’t ever show those around you that it’s ok to disrespect your parents - because no matter what they’ve done, they deserve the respect at the end of the day.
5. Put some distance between you and them
If all else fails, make sure to take some time to yourselves - time away from your parents, away from the stressful lifestyle you may be leading, because often familiarity with the same routines and the same people can invariably cause conflict. Whether it’s for a few days, a week, or whether you need to take up a temporary job away from home, sometimes the key to a healthy relationship with your parents is to just have your own life and space separate from them. This doesn’t mean you don’t love them, but it does mean that your need for space cannot be undermined. You need to function effectively and treat your parents with the respect, love and care they deserve and sometimes the best way to do that is to get some space for a while.
Mostly, if you’re reading this article right now, it’s for 2 reasons. 1: You want to hear from someone who can relate to your struggles and 2: On some level you also want to fix it. You don’t want to be stuck in a constant battle against your parents. But I’ll say something else that’s important, and I say it from a place of someone who totally gets the occasional frustrations you experience with your parents.
The bottom line is; your parents are your parents. It’s not your job to “deal with them”. You’re there to love, respect, care for and treat them like your family. You’re there to appreciate what they do for you and be pleasant. You’re not there to mock, degrade, belittle, snap or be snarky with them and pretend you don’t need them because that can be incredibly hurtful. Appreciate and take full advantage of the fact that you have a family that loves you and cherish whatever time you have with them, because living with your parents isn’t permanent but how you treat them leaves a mark.
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