Social Anxiety isn't Cute - Here's what it's actually like

For all my life, I have constantly been misunderstood from time to time. I’ve been labeled as ‘too quiet’, ‘too snobbish’, ‘too lazy’, ‘too antisocial’ and the list goes on. In fact, very recently, in a corporate setting, one of the main feedbacks given to me by my leader was that I was “too reserved”, so much so that I felt like the world is not a good place for introverts and there wasn’t a single place where I could feel like I could be myself, without being questioned, labelled or judged.

There’s a reason we often call ourselves ‘misfits, wallflowers and outsiders’...because we could be in a room filled with thousands of people and yet want to crawl out of our own skin. We could appear deep in conversation, yet be mentally somewhere else. No one really talks about or prepares introverts for the many social difficulties we face as we grow older. However, when introversion is talked about, it seems that some people adore shyness. They like to appreciate introverts for being thoughtful, only criticizing them when they don't fulfill an expectation that an extrovert would have; such as being ‘too quiet’. But apart from the shyness which some people mistake for cute timidity, being an introvert in an extrovert’s world is actually terrifying, disappointing and frankly exhausting.

Reflecting on my own life and experiences, many times I would find myself drained by other people before I knew it. When I was younger and would go away to church camps where I would be surrounded by other people, I would then come back home and find that I needed a week to fully recover socially. Other times, I would desire meeting people but dread it when the day comes, always asking myself “What will we talk about? What if the conversation stagnates?” Fast-forward to dating in my 20s and the fear of meeting strangers was amplified. I would be on a quest to find love, yet be too afraid to go on dates out of sheer anxiety. So many times my anxiety gripped me, it was a thing I struggled with and still struggle to shake to this day.

Now in my mid 20s, ironically I find myself an introvert in an extrovert’s job. As a Marketer, I am expected to network, to present myself with confidence and to have a good client-facing persona. I am expected to make and maintain business connections, a skill I would love to run away from. Dating was scary on its own, but networking was a whole other ball game. From the fear of being awkward and giving out business cards like an old fashioned lunatic, to the all-encompassing shyness of sticking by the coffee counter while the rest of the people in the room networked with ease, I hated every aspect of networking events. I felt I didn't belong, and I envied the people who made connections with ease.

What I later realised was, there was a major difference between shyness and social anxiety. But I had suffered from both those conditions, and it followed me into every aspect of my life. The National Institute of Mental health defines it accurately “Social anxiety disorder is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others. This fear can affect work, school, and other daily activities. It can even make it hard to make and keep friends.” This anxiety isn’t one I’ve found to be easy to crack, but I have grown in leaps and bounds in the way I navigate social settings. I often try to find common ground with others, come prepared with lists of questions in case the conversations go stale and if all else fails, make up an excuse to leave the conversation, citing reasons of having to go to the bathroom or needing to make a phone call.

For some of us, being an introvert may not always feel like a blessing. The world, corporate and otherwise, is an extrovert’s world. But it's important to recognize that even as an introvert, we have so much to offer the world. And silence doesn’t make us boring company. Sometimes silence and quiet introspection is better than loud embarrassment and foolish words.