In a world where unlikely connections form, beautiful relationships blossom from polar opposites, and attractions build from nothing, dating apps are still indirectly encouraging shallowness. And the dating world should really do better.
In this article, my best friend and I write about the struggles of online dating, shallowness, and the fatigue of swiping left until you get finger sprains. This is written purely from the personal experiences of two single people in two different places.
Suzie is a 24-year-old who consistently finds herself attracted to no-good men, the kinds who are hot and cold. Tired of the dating scene that exists in the small, busy city of Dubai, she finds herself unsure of how to meet people.
Ziad is a 26-year-old full time student doing his Masters, working full time in a creative job, leaving him with very little time to get out there and meet someone. Ziad has lived in Pakistan for almost a decade, but never quite fits in with his culture or the people in it.
So here’s what we have to say on the subject of online dating, written from a his and hers perspective:
Her
As I lay up one night at 12am, swiping left more than I swiped right, I found myself getting more and more frustrated. Every guy I came across I would probably never consider and so one day questioned myself - am I being really shallow by not giving a guy a chance based on how he looks? And the answer is, yes.
“The less obvious people, the less conventionally attractive stand no chance in online dating. And by having photos as the first thing someone looks at to judge dateability, they’ve lost already.”
It’s no secret that apps like Bumble and Tinder are basically a place where the most attractive people are winning. Couple that with actual personalities, and those are the people who may be having the most luck, that is when they’re not being used for their looks and nothing else …
But the less obvious people, the less conventionally attractive stand no chance in online dating. And by having photos as the first thing someone looks at to judge dateability, they’ve lost already.
In retrospect, women have it easier than men when it comes to online dating. Sad to say it, but most men are less picky about the women they choose and as long as she seems remotely likable and pretty, they’ll be swiping right. Women often don’t see it the same way, they are much pickier about the guys they swipe right on, analyzing as much detail about a guy from his profile as they can. I know that because I do it myself. I like guys who give me enough information so I can build a picture of what they’re like in my head and see if our personalities can match.
I read every answer to every question prompt on Bumble, looking at all their photos, if they connected their Insta - even better, I’m definitely stalking them. I don’t want to waste my time or theirs, by swiping right on someone I don’t have any interest in.
And yet, even after all that analyzing I can still barely find anyone I don’t unmatch with in a day or two.
“Attraction, as we all know, doesn’t a relationship make”
Now I don’t consider myself a shallow person at all. When it comes to dating, a personality and charisma is what has charmed me more than anything else. There may be a guy who I may not find attractive at first glance, but through conversation, time and charm, that attraction can, and has, changed for me. I’ve been attracted to guys in the past who I would’ve never thought were my personal preference for a ‘type’. This is the very reason I woke up so quickly to the shallowness of dating apps. Because I was swiping left (for the most part) on guys I was not attracted to. But attraction, as we all know, doesn’t a relationship make.
In a previous article on gendered issues, we talked about double standards and how men are not allowed to cast aside a girl based on their lack of attraction. But a woman can and is allowed to, without being exposed for shallowness. That’s an annoying and unfair double standard. It’s never ok to body shame anyone, regardless of their gender. That being said, merely having a physical preference is never something you should be crucified for.
But just because I’m speaking to the shallowness that women engage in, doesn’t mean men are out there being angels on dating apps. Hell no. Men on dating apps can be horrible. Here’s why:
Men hardly put any effort into their dating profiles, yet expect all the matches in the world
Men either come on too strong or too soft when texting. They will either be voice calling you from the moment you match (yes, been there. What an ick, especially for an introvert) or they’ll put no effort into showing their intentions, leaving you want to friendzone them
The amount of pictures of guys shirtless . . . guys, what woman do you know that will swipe right on you, based on your six pack or four pack? By doing this, you’re presuming that we, as women, are shallower than we actually are. Most women (unless they’re looking for a hookup I guess) will immediately swipe left on a shirtless selfie guy or a gym bro flexing his muscles.
We literally don’t care much about your physique, show us something other than your body. Think about how it would look if roles were reversed and girls were putting pictures like that out there. Quite scandalous that would be, I should think.
Online dating, for me, has become something I dread. I dread opening that app and checking and replying to texts. Starting the texting phase, the situationship phase, the back-and-forth, the will-they-won’t-they…the whole game has exhausted me and I’m a 24-year-old who’s only just stepped into the dating world. From shallowness, disappointment, cowardice, and matching with boys instead of men - it's all a huge mess. I wouldn’t be surprised if platforms like Bumble, Tinder and Hinge were all just one big scam to show us that in-person dating is the way to go. How people ever find love through online dating, I’ll never quite understand. But as I continue swiping, I wonder if there’s an alternative to make dating better and more fulfilling rather than fatiguing, perhaps clubs organized to get singles to meet, monthly singles nights at bars/coffee shops or restaurants. Something that doesn’t make it easy for us to hide behind our shallowness on screen. We’ve got to date better than that.
His
So, you’ve seen her side of things, and Suzie paints quite a vivid picture, but, if you think it’s all rainbows and sunshine on his side of the fence, you’re sadly mistaken. It’s an equal amount of agony in the men’s department of these eligible single stores.
This is the note I want to take first. All these online dating apps like Tinder and Bumble feel like online stores. They make dating feel incredibly impersonal and we tend to forget that we are dealing with humans here. It feels like just another ecommerce website where we’re browsing for something nice to buy. And, therefore, people tend to put on a show to be sold in the market. It’s unfortunate, really, that so many people reduce themselves to so little just for a momentary good time (momentary, because I’ve yet to see a relationship off an online dating app last).
Like Suzie said, it’s much easier for women to get matches on Tinder and Bumble than men. Men are so starved of an intimate connection that they themselves at the first woman that looks their way for more than a second. This puts us in a difficult situation, because while a man would have 1, maybe 2, matches simultaneously, women may have far more. This is where ghosting comes in. While a woman is talking to her matches, she would find one that strikes her fancy more than others and she would just stop talking to the rest, not even bothering to unmatch them, just in case the match of her choice falls through (this is pure inductive reasoning). Couple this phenomenon with my last point that we forget that we are dealing with humans, and you get a lot of hurt feelings. Only thing worse than a rejection is being stuck in limbo.
Another complaint I have with online dating is the same that Suzie has with men. Women put just as little effort into their profiles as men do. They think that putting up pretty pictures is enough reason for me to swipe right on them. At this point, you’re pretty much asking me to judge you by how you look. Personally, I don’t care how pretty you are. If you don’t have a bio or some interesting insights about your personality and character, I’m swiping left. And I don’t have a shred of a doubt that I’m not the only guy that does this.
I must admit, I’m far from a saint when I’m on dating apps. I have very specific deal breakers that I stand by. For example, I vividly remember this one profile on Bumble that I was scrolling through and I was pretty much liking what I was seeing and reading, until I reached her Spotify artists. Took me less than half a second to swipe left when I saw that she listens to Machine Gun Kelly. And that brings me to my next point.
The problem with these dating apps is that they show you only a glimpse of a person. You see what they want to show you and no more. You don’t get a deeper look into their personalities and that forces you to make snap judgements about them based on what you do see. As far as that girl is concerned, I only saw that she listens to Machine Gun Kelly, but I did not see how strongly she gravitates to his music. Maybe he’s just another throwaway artist for her and she went on a binge and then never heard of him again. I don’t know. But I decided in that moment that she was not good enough for me, and that’s no way to evaluate a human being.
Moral of the Story
We both agree that online dating is a fruitless, rewardless waste of time and any successes are few and far in between, not to mention short lived. I would much rather meet a someone in person and find a connection throw human interaction and communication. All the strategic mind games are not how dating should be done. Yet, they seem to have become the new norm.
If this is how dating is done, we are better off single!
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