I don’t know about you, but for me, I like to have everything planned. I’m the girl with planners and post-its and coloured pens – the whole shebang.
I remember bringing my baby home and having so many ideas in my head like “sleep when the baby sleeps” and matching mom-and-me outfits, but boy, was I in for a surprise. Firstly, new-borns go through too many outfit changes in a day, much more than a washing line can hold! That mom-and-me outfit I had envisioned – just wishful thinking. The outfits would last about 30 minutes before there’d be spit up on one or both of us. I’d read books, scoured the mommy blogs and followed all the Instagram accounts. But none of that could have prepared me.
I can’t explain it, but all the months of anticipation, planning and strategizing, none of it seemed relevant. It suddenly felt like none of the books or parenting videos could effectively help me take care of my baby.. and in a way, I was right. At that moment, only I knew best. However, I’ve also made tons of mistakes, so I’m hoping this piece will help you navigate away from those.
1. The tug of war: loving being pregnant and yet wanting the baby to just come out
I didn’t really have too many of those irrational crying moments that you see pregnant people have on TV. One day, however, as I was packing my hospital bag, I remember feeling very teary and emotional. I was so desperate to not be pregnant anymore and carry all that weight around, but also, I just wanted her to stay inside me a little longer. I didn’t know how I’d feel when I couldn’t feel her kicks and punches all day. While she was still in my stomach, she was safe, fed, away from dust and mosquitoes and all kinds of danger. We were together 24/7 as long as I was pregnant. It was silly, but also, I believe, completely normal.
2. It’s OKAY to feel like crap once in a while!
I remember looking at my little bundle all swaddled up and knowing that she was absolutely perfect. So perfect in fact that I felt completely unqualified and unequipped to be her mom. I had just come home from her check-up and was told that she was in the lowest percentile in terms of weight gain and I felt like an absolute failure of a mother. Why couldn’t I do the most basic thing – feed her enough to get her to gain weight? Other days, I just wanted her to be quiet for 5 minutes as she wailed through her colic episodes. The first time I felt myself craving for alone time away from her, I felt terrible! That guilt is unreal! My saving grace in those moments was when another mom told me “It’s okay”.
It’s okay to want time away from your child. It’s okay to want your kid to just be quiet. It’s ok to even feel like you’re not enough. None of these things means that you don’t love her. You’re just human.
3. The importance of a support system
Parenthood is hard! There are no 2 ways about it. It’s incredible and full of joy, but it’s also physically, mentally and emotionally draining at times. Thankfully, the highs do outweigh the lows, but the lows can be really really low. Having a support system around you apart from your spouse can be so vital to your own well-being. People with whom you can be candid with, without feeling judged, people who will allow you to process and vent things out with or call for help if you need it. It matters. There was this one day where I felt completely overwhelmed, I felt like I would crack. I didn’t have the liberty to, however, I needed to keep going for my family. My sister who was staying with us at the time, without saying a single word, took my daughter and entertained her. She fed her, bathed her, changed her for bed without me asking her to. I quietly snuck into my room for a ‘Netflix and chill’ moment. That hour or so to myself was almost life-giving. It kept me going. Having that one person who saw what I needed and swooped in to help without having been asked to – every mom needs one of those! It doesn’t happen on its own though. It’s something that gets built with time and communication.
4. Maintain a thankful mindset
On days when it all feels too much, try to find things to be thankful for. Thank God for your fridge, your running water, your baby’s smell, even all the poopy diapers they’re producing. That’s all I’ll say. Try it and you’ll see what I mean.
5. Grab every snuggle
The great thing about babies and little ones is that they reaaally love you! And while there are times that you think “for crying out loud, get off of me” (especially when you want to head to the bathroom, am I right?), mostly it’s amazing. They grow so fast. Once they find their legs, they’ll come for the occasional cuddle, but try keeping them still for more than a minute! I wish I’d reduced my to-do list and slowed down more so that I could have cherished her little baby snuggles. I’m telling you; those snuggles are healing! Each day may come with a list of things to get done and I know they’re important; but if you can, slow down and take it all in because these days won’t return.
6. Be kind to yourself
Don’t spend all your kindness and generosity on everyone else that there’s none left for you. You’re not perfect, and neither should you be. Our kids learn from our imperfections and how we handle them so if you’re kind to yourself, maybe they’ll be kind to themselves when they mess up too.
7. Play is important
I don’t think I realised before motherhood how important playtime is. I’d think of it as something kids do to pass their time. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Playtime is so essential to their growth. It’s how their brains form connections, how they learn, how they express themselves, how they show creativity and even develop physically. Let them play, despite the mess and as far as you can, make time to play with them as often as you can. Every day matters!
8. Don’t bother about the parent-shamers
As a new mom, I was quite bothered by what the more ‘experienced moms’ thought. Remember I mentioned earlier about her weight gain? Where I live, a chubby baby is considered cute and ‘healthy’ whereas a petite baby is considered ‘weak’. The first time I heard someone refer to my baby as ‘weak’ I was absolutely mortified. Nearly every home I went to said, “Oh, she doesn’t eat?”, “Leave her with me, I’ll feed her nicely and give her to you” and this went on. My daughter was far from weak. I was amazed at her muscle strength. She could kick and pull and grab and reach her milestones way ahead of time. She was by all means healthy. She didn’t get sick, she ate everything we gave her, she was bubbly, active and full of energy. All signs of a well-fed baby. My point is if your doctor says not to worry, then don’t! Shamers are everywhere. I don’t know why, but think of them like cockroaches you can’t get rid of. Learn the art of ignoring it and remain confident in what you’re doing.
Wherever you go, you’ll always find judgemental parents (sometimes even non-parents) who share their opinions about how you should raise your child, and they share their opinions without a thought for how it might affect the exhausted mothers who are trying their absolute hardest.
Don’t bother about what everyone says, or how they may judge you, they don’t know your child like you do and you can’t please everyone. If you know you’re doing the best for your children, you’re already doing more than enough. After all, a baby, as little as they are, can sense your confidence.
The last thing I’ll say is to never forget: You are the best possible mom for your little bub. No one, not one person in this world is a better mom for them than you. You are qualified. You are equipped. You are capable. You can do this – no matter what anyone says. To your child, you’re everything. It may not always feel like it, you may not always have it all together, but that’s okay – you got this!
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