We all think we know what’s best for us - maybe for some it’s the right person, the ideal job, the big family. We mostly know what we want, and we claim to be the God of our own destiny, desires and fate.
We’re supposed to take those uncomfortable moments and turn it into something beautiful.
We’re supposed to get up when life gets us down.
But when something unexpected and tragic happens, it can leave us gutted and empty.
I have always been a woman with a plan. I chased fame, success, money was secondary as long as I could say I was making a name for myself - but I did like living in the lap of luxury, I liked the idea of the mansion, the piles of money and the ability to live without cutting quarters. I grew up on an average single income, we didn’t have a lot of money, and when you have less you always crave more.
But I’ve never been the type of person to put work over family. I wasn’t one to work nonstop for years and not feel drained. I need constant breaks, holidays and the ability to take a breather and rewind. So I travelled to India for what was supposed to be a one month meetup with my family, my niece was born and Covid never allowed me to go see her because of travel bans but as soon as things opened up and my job allowed me to work remotely, I took off and took all my work with me. Just one month away from home, for some quality time and then I’d get back.
But then flights to Dubai stopped - and we got stranded. In the meantime, we dealt with the near death of my mother, travel bans, lockdown, isolation, family feuds and Covid..which eventually hit our family. And meanwhile, back in Dubai, it was like everyone was moving on without me. I lost contact with friends back home, connections to my church and local youth group seemed distant. One month turned into 7 months and it began to feel like I wasn’t really living or moving forward in my life. My life was on pause. I was in a halfway holding point because a global pandemic made it that way. Various attempts to travel back home were thwarted, money was lost and my hope in all things good was slowly fading. And then Covid hit our family. And it was like all India had to give me was pain, suffering, death and disease.
But I found some rays of light and love in my baby niece - I treated her like my own child and eventually found ways to develop deeper family bonds. I’ve always been an optimist and seeked the good in every bad situation, but I had to admit, I felt like I was being slowly suffocated and I felt like I wasn’t really living my life. It was one of the weirdest feelings ever - to be stuck on ‘pause’ while everyone else was moving forward.
And then one day I stopped feeling sorry for myself
I learned to stop with the bitterness, resentment, anger, tears and self pity and brave every bad thing that was thrown at me. I learned to be patient in the midst of adversity, I learned to stay still and wait for God’s plan to take its course. I learned to accept that some of my suffering was my own fault and stop blaming the world and God for my misfortunes. And more than anything, I learned to make the best out of every moment with family - I learned to always be the jolly person even in a house full of sorrow, distress, anxiety and pain. And that isn’t to say it wasn’t uncomfortable. That isn’t to say it was a beautiful learning experience. It wasn’t beautiful. It was surely not easy. It just was not the plan. And I’m a woman who likes to always have a plan.
A one month trip turned into 7 months, and working remotely in a house full of people and toddler was often exhausting and distracting. I had to become a primary caretaker for my mother who was in a wheelchair and completely people-dependent, but somehow, there is beauty in every painful situation and I decided to take full advantage of whatever was going for me and stop focusing on the things I couldn’t control.
So yes, although my life was on ‘pause’, as a person I grew in leaps and bounds by learning to appreciate the uncomfortable moments by exercising patience, joy and trust in the paths life was taking me.
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