I’ll never fit into most of society’s boxes. Not quiet, not loud. Not fat, not thin. Not highly intelligent, not dumb either. Not pretty, not ugly. Not remarkable, not unremarkable.
I have always been somewhere in between. I saw my body change with adolescence and I wasn’t happy with the outcome, I never had what people call a ‘glow up’ . . . instead I went the other way. Rather than becoming hotter, my waistline increased, my face developed acne and dark circles, and there was never a point in my life where I was content with the way I look.
But everyone else seemed to have an opinion about how I should look. From the hemlines of my skirts to the sneakers I chose to wear throughout my professional life, to the lack of make-up I wore to work and church, to my loose and baggy clothes. And it drove me insane, to feel like I couldn’t just be myself and be yet another object controlled by society. There’s this expectation that, to be taken seriously as a woman (especially in the corporate setting) you need to be wearing a certain amount of makeup. Who came up with these rules, I do not wish to know.
Not that I’m bashing those who choose to wear makeup or even those who wear it in order to be taken seriously. I get it, I do, I just don’t accept it for myself. I like to get that extra hour of sleep, rather than straightening and burning my hair with hot irons, painting my face, and applying numerous cosmetics just to be presentable for 8 hours a day. I also don’t feel 100% comfortable in makeup, I find myself always wondering if I’ve worn it correctly, whether my mask is going to smudge my lipstick, whether my mascara is going to run, and whatnot. I just don’t feel like having the best clothes, the best makeup routine and the best hair products really define my maturity or professionalism. I can absolutely slay at a client meeting without makeup.
Does makeup sometimes give me a confidence boost? Yes. Do I sometimes feel prettier with it? Yes, absolutely. But it isn’t a must for me. I’d rather stress about doing my job well, rather than stress out about whether my eyeliner matches on both sides.
The facts remain: I am the same person with and without makeup. So why do I need it in order to be taken seriously?
I distinctly remember one day going to church, and wearing light jeans that were high-waisted, new, and fashionable, they fit me in all the right places and I could say they made me look real good. I coupled that with a lavender shirt and suddenly all the compliments were coming my way. And then at one point, I remember it, clear as day, a guy friend of mine came up to me and said “You look good for once. As opposed to how you look normally, where you just wear whatever” my mouth dropped at the blatantly sexist comment that he didn’t even realize he’d made.
I tend to wear sweatpants occasionally and loose clothes, they make me feel comfortable and in my element. And although there are times, many times, in fact, where I do make an effort to dress up and put on light makeup, I do it for myself. You know how people sometimes ask you when you dress up, “Who are you dressing up for?” I often answer “Myself. Why should I dress up for anyone else?” If my future partner won’t accept me in sweats and no makeup, he’ll never accept me in my best outfit and makeup on.
I challenge us to shift our thinking, not to feel the need to put on makeup in order to be taken seriously. Cosmetics and fancy clothes don’t make us mature or immature, I’ve seen people dress up like they’re 30 but have the mentality of a 12-year-old. And I’d rather focus my time and precious energy on things I find more important.
Being comfortable in your skin isn't an easy feat for most women. Yet, as flawed human beings, we're often so quick to pass judgment or unwanted comments on others, rather than allowing them to just do and be whoever they want to be. I heard a saying from popular podcaster Beatrice Kamau, host of the 'Self Love Fix' that criticism (when unconstructive) is often a result of something the criticizer is lacking, rather than something the receiver is lacking. I paraphrased that, but it's basically the gist of it. So what that means is if someone's criticizing you for your weight, it could be because either they struggle with their own self-image and unknowingly transfer that insecurity onto you. Or, maybe it's unintentional, and they have a wrong belief that a certain body type is acceptable or ideal, whereas the world, hormones, and metabolisms are more complex than that. Or if someone's criticizing your lack of 'feminine' attire, its because they may have grown up to believe in traditional versions of femininity that they expect you to adopt, and haven't been exposed to contrasting viewpoints.
But that shouldn't change how we behave. We're not responsible for the darkness that exists in others, we're only responsible to live lives that are pleasing to God, ourselves, and maybe family. But the moment we begin to take personally every slight, every remark, or insult, we lose sight of what makes us who we are, we become whoever Tom, Dick, and Harry want us to be.
Commenting on others' looks, whether its a small comment like "You look like you made some effort today" is hurtful because it's a back-handed compliment, with a small trace of malice behind it and women can pick up on that and carry that damage with them. So let's refrain from having opinions on how others should look and find bigger problems in life, shall we?
It takes great courage to go against the status quo and go makeup-free, it isn't laziness. It's owning your natural self-sufficiency. It's standing up to oppressive customs of how cosmetics define a woman's maturity when men have no such expectations. We should be celebrating women for that, not telling them they look tired. As long as they're doing what's comfortable for them, we should applaud them for owning their needs rather than bending to the many wills of others.
I believe that as long as your clothes are ironed, your hair fairly neat and properly kept, and your personal hygiene maintained, those are the only ingredients actually needed in order to be taken seriously. If you think about it, what defines a man’s maturity? Is it the clothes he wears, or the authority he commands? Because I guarantee you, as a woman, I can show up in an oversized shirt and sneakers and radiate the same amount of energy, enigma, and confidence that a man could. I don’t need makeup or fashion to prove it.
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