Let’s go over some stereotypes about men: they are aggressive, domineering, hypersexual beings, locking up their emotions in some kind of a vault, guarded by beer and sports, and you may be able to find more than enough examples to prove these stereotypes true. The question is why do men behave the way they do?
The fact of the matter is that men are not hardwired to be this way. It’s not a genetic or neurological programming that influences their behavior, but rather social and cultural norms, passed down for generations.
In other words, men’s behavior is influenced by something we have learned to call toxic masculinity and it has detrimental effects on men’s wellbeing.
What Is Toxic Masculinity?
Toxic masculinity is still a rather new concept and not everyone can wrap their heads around it. Some people still insist that it’s not a real thing. But it is indeed a very real phenomenon.
Simply put, toxic masculinity is the imposition of societal standards and norms on all men, the expectation that men will behave in a certain way. Picture a box labeled ‘Man’ loaded with ‘accepted’ traits. You’re more than likely familiar with the most famous example of toxic masculinity, where men are encouraged to hide their emotions and swallow their feelings. Basically, not appear soft and sensitive.
Granted, some men are naturally not expressive, sensitive or vulnerable, but that doesn’t apply to all men and it’s detrimental to them to act like it does.
How Does Toxic Masculinity Work?
Of course, masculinity doesn’t come with a rule book and a governing body enforcing them. So, how are these toxic standards and norms imposed on men?
Well, in the typical male fashion: through humiliation, bullying and harassment.
Before you pull out your pitchforks, let me explain.
Imposing Inferiority
This is by far the most common form of toxic masculinity. If a man witnesses another man acting in a way that challenges their concept of masculinity, he instantly judges him as less of a man.
As a man myself, I have been deemed less of a man for the following things:
Expressing my emotions
Saying ‘aww’ when I see a cute animal
Liking and wearing the color pink
Not enjoying watching or partaking in any kind of sport
Being concerned about my mental health
There are 2 ways this inferiority is imposed on men:
1) Other men belittle a man for how he behaves. They have their specific list of traits that dignify a man as a man and they actively bully any man who falls short of that list by humiliation or forcing him to change his ways. They aggressively make fun of a man for not being man enough, which, of course, makes the victim feel inferior. This behavior is textbook toxicity and has no place in a modern human society.
2) I want to call this passive bullying but it’s a slippery slope so I won’t do that. The idea is that a man sees the concept of masculinity pervasive in his society and notices himself falling short of those arbitrary standards and, consequently, developing an inferiority complex on his own. I still blame toxic men for this because they explain manhood as this exclusive club that you have to have a very specific set of traits to be a part of, making men who don’t check those boxes feel less than, which is absolutely ridiculous.
Toxic masculinity has other connotations that permeate through to other genders and sexualities
Sexism
For most toxic men, femininity lies on the other end of the spectrum. They often consider women less than men. That’s where you see toxic men calling a “less manly” guy a girl, woman or sissy, among other far more derogatory words that I will refrain from mentioning here. This mentality not only hurts fellow men but also women, but sexism is a whole other rabbit hole that we will save for another day.
Of course, not all men believe women are inferior to men, no matter how toxic they are to other men, but this is common enough in toxic masculinity culture to be the rule and not the exception.
Homophobia
In the same vein as sexism, toxic men also display casual homophobia. If they don’t call a man a woman for being more sensitive, expressive or in any way not fitting their idea of manliness, he is immediately called gay. And not in a “it’s ok if you swing that way, I don’t have a problem with that” way. The implication has a much more derogatory undertone. Again, this doesn’t only affect heterosexual men, but also homosexuals who are regarded as less than their straight counterparts. Such behavior results in discrimination and exclusion from most male social circles.
Implications of Toxic Masculinity
The question is so what? Why does it matter if some men are toxic? Can’t we just turn a deaf ear to them and go on with our lives?
The problem is that, while some men do just that, shrug the toxicity off and don’t let it bother them, toxic masculinity is too prevalent for a man to outrun. Toxic men tend to ostracize and alienate those they deem “not manly enough.” The victims have a hard time making friends and socializing, resulting in a very lonely and solitary lifestyle.
Either that or they will put up with their friends’ nonsense and laugh it off along with them, while they harboring deep self-loathing and an inferiority complex that will consume them from the inside. They will, consciously or subconsciously, believe that there is something wrong with them or they are indeed not man enough and that’s a bad thing.
This takes a toll on their mental wellbeing. They can’t express how they feel about being treated this way and they can’t even seek professional help because it’s “not the manly thing to do.”
Any time they do socialize with a toxic man, they either have to take the abuse thrown at them or make a case for why it’s ok for them to be who they are, which is incredibly taxing on its own. It’s pretty much a losing game all around.
How Do We Fix It?
First of all, I would be remiss to end the article without mentioning that I don’t entirely blame men for their toxic masculinity. It has been a way of life for thousands of years for male humans to be strong and dominating to take charge. And, despite the drastic changes in human lifestyle over the last few decades, these traditionally masculine traits have been passed down through generations.
The first step to ridding ourselves of toxic masculinity is acknowledging the negative implications of these behaviors and being more open and inclusive. Recognize that there is no one way to be a man, or a person, for that matter. At the end of the day, all that matters is that we are not hurting anyone.
I do acknowledge that we are on an upward trajectory and our behavior towards others is steadily getting better. Toxic masculinity is slowly working its way out of human society, but we still have a long way to go.
I just hope for a society where no one, no matter their gender, sexuality, race, or beliefs, is treated as less of a person. We need to remember that we are, after all, human beings, sharing this Earth for a finite time. Let’s do our part to make it worth the while for all of us.
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