"Take care of your siblings", "your dad is so irresponsible", "you're a big boy/girl now” “these responsibilities are being placed on you." Any of these sound familiar? If so, you may have been a victim of parentifying (AKA a parentified child)
What is a parentified child?
Put simply, it's when a child is forced to take on the role of an adult. Oftentimes, children get pushed into the role of caretaker for their younger siblings or become the referee in their parent’s argument. Responsibilities that are developmentally inappropriate get laid on them before they're able to handle it. This can happen when a parent is unable to fully show up for themselves (sometimes due to crazy work schedules) or even an unhealthy dependency on the child for friendship. It can also happen when:
The parent was neglected or abused as a child.
The parent has a mental health condition.
The parent has an alcohol or substance use disorder.
The parent or a sibling is disabled or has a serious medical condition.
The parents are divorced or one parent has died.
The parents are immigrants and have difficulty integrating into society.
The family experiences financial hardship.
Both parents are working and often absent.
Why am I writing this?
I'm no psychologist, but I am a victim. Now, by no means do I blame my parents. They weren't as privy to the information that we have today and they did the best they could. However, intentionally or not, it still occurred. I'm writing this piece because when I became a mom myself, I noticed these tendencies come up and I have fought to break that pattern.
What does parentifying feel like?
Here are a few signs to look out for:
You grew up feeling like you had to be responsible 24/7
Trouble with play or “letting loose”
You like to feel in control
Pulled into arguments or issues between caregivers or siblings
Felt like you were given responsibilities that were not appropriate for someone your age
Often complimented for being “so good”, "so mature" and “so responsible”
May feel that being self-reliant is better than trying to trust others
Don’t really remember “being a kid”
Parents had trouble caring for themselves or others and placed the responsibility on you
Often find yourself becoming a caregiver for others
Being a caretaker feels good, even when you are sacrificing parts of yourself
Heightened sense of empathy and an ability to more closely connect with others
Feel like you need to be the peacemaker
Feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated
These feelings are not normal for children to feel, as much as we'd like to think so. As long as you're a kid, you're supposed to be a kid. Now, responsibility isn't wrong, however, the wrong kind of responsibility can be damaging.
Here's an example: I grew up the eldest of 3. My father worked far away from our home and spent 4-5 hours only commuting. My mom was a stay-at-home mom who, more often than not, was extremely lonely. She grew to rely on me as her oldest daughter. So, when she'd go out, I was told that I was responsible for my two younger siblings and they were told they needed to listen to me. At the time, it felt really good. I felt important, validated and liked the idea that I could boss my siblings around.
“Responsibility isn't wrong, however, the wrong kind of responsibility can be damaging.”
One day, when we were alone, we were playing and my sister fell and hit her head pretty badly. Instantly, I was gripped with fear. I thought for sure I was going to be smacked and I felt like a failure. My mom did none of that, in fact I even took the stick to her to smack me, which she didn't do. She did scold me for not being more responsible though. At the time, I needed some affirmation from her but naturally, her attention was on making sure my sister was okay. This was further aggravated when my mom narrated the story to her friends and I was told "You're the oldest, you are responsible if they get hurt. If something happened to them, you'd be responsible" by her friends.
After that, I remember being so fearful that every time we were home, I wouldn't let my siblings jump, run or climb, only 'sitting games. They hated how bossy I was being and I resented them for simply being 'kids.' Why was it okay for them to be kids when I couldn't?
I got pulled into fights between my parents, and fights between them and my siblings because to my mom, I was her 'best friend.'
Now, as a mom, I know and understand how much I'd love to have a friendship with my little girl. I want her to feel free to talk to me and for us to laugh and do mani-pedis together. However, I personally don't believe it is healthy for a daughter (or son) to be their parents' closest friend; especially when they're not yet adults. This is emotional parentification.
Emotional parentification happens when a child moves in to fulfill specific emotional needs of the parent. The child is expected to figure out the emotional needs of the parent, to respond to the need, and to provide support. As children, we're conditioned to receive from our parents. A parent gives, we receive, but when it flip flops, we feel the weight of the responsibility for them and unfortunately, we're not!
The Consequences
Research shows that a parentified child may form unhealthy attachments to their parents, oftentimes even putting their lives on hold to care for them. It may cause trouble in relationships, poor self esteem, heightened anxiety and physical and mental illness.
Research also indicates that being parentified may be linked to greater financial responsibility and easier success in one's career as the child often becomes highly task oriented, driven and leaves little time for leisure.
I mentioned that I noticed it come up in myself too as a mom, so what did that look like? Well, I ended up placing expectations on my 1 year old that weren't developmentally appropriate. I expected her to behave like an adult telling her to 'sit quietly' while mommy's in a meeting or 'be patient' and so many other little things. I forgot to stoop to her level and remind myself that she's just being her age. I've to constantly tell myself not to be in a rush to make her grow up, but to allow her to just be. One day, she'll be an older sister too and I'm going to have to fight like crazy to make sure she feels just as much a kid as anyone her age.
I'm a victim too, what now?
Well, if you think you've suffered as a result of being parentified (mind you, not everyone has found it to be traumatic), here are a few things you can do:
Allow yourself to be a kid once in a while - let loose, watch kiddie movies, play games and let yourself off the hook
Keep a picture of yourself as a kid and everytime you struggle, talk to your picture and remind them that it's okay to be a kid
Speak to your inner child as you’d speak to a friend. Formulate a dialogue.
Write a letter to your inner child.
Talk to your parents (if you can) and break it if it's still happening
Talk to a therapist if you're really struggling.
Trust me, the sooner you heal from this, the sooner you're on your way to living a healthy life and breaking the cycle from being passed to your future generations.. Remember: not all parents are at fault, sometimes they're just doing their best and they don't know any better.
I hope this article helps you, please feel free to reach out to us if you'd like to chat through this.
References:
https://www.healthline.com/health/parentification#instrumental-vs-emotional
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healing-together/202001/14-signs-you-were-parentified-child
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